Well, for all intents and purposes, my summer is over. Sure, I still have three more weeks of vacation before I have to unpack all of the stuff I have in storage and start the routine over, but summer as I know it has ended.
This summer I've gone out drinking more nights than not, I've gone on several dates, and I've finally learned what it was like to just let loose and have a good time. Once I get back to NC, that's over. I can't really party in Franklin the way I've partied in Boston and the guys back home just don't do it for me the way the guys here do. There's also something about being in Boston, away from my parents and people who knew me before college, that allows me to let go of my inhibitions and just do what I want.
When I get back to NC I become meek and borderline shy. Me? Shy? I guess it's not so much shy as super well-behaved. I'll be living under my father's roof, which means living by his rules. It's not all bad, but it DOES mean that I won't be going out to parties or anything like that. The closest I'll get is Melissa's 29th birthday party. It'll be fun, but it's not exactly my crowd. Come to think of it, no one back home is really my crowd at this point.
I'm looking forward to the rest and relaxation, but I know that it will give way to boredom very quickly when I find myself without anything to do at night. I'm so used to going out to bars on weeknights that I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I guess it's a good thing that I learned how to knit. Who knows, I might be able to actually finish a knitting project while I'm home. Yes, I'll be that bored.
I guess I should also take the opportunity while I'm home to stop being such a sushi snob and finally try the sushi in Franklin. I've been hesitant about it because, let's be honest, fresh fish is very far from Franklin and I'm used to sushi in Boston. I just hope that I can put my bias aside to really enjoy the sushi once I give in to try it at home. I have to go in with an open mind or there's no way it will ever compare to Boston.
I've spent the last year or so thinking about how I couldn't possibly stay in Boston long term, but now i'm wondering how I'll do without it, even for a few weeks. I've really grown to love this place over the last few months, it's just a pity that I won't get to experience it much longer. Maybe I'll stay in Boston after graduation after all. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what kinds of job opportunities await. Keep your fingers crossed for me to get a job at McLean.
So here's to a whole different kind of summer than the one I've been having. Time to make the most of it.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Knitting away the drama
Today I started learning how to knit and, let me tell you, it couldn't have come at a better time. I've spent the last few days wondering about several things, scratch that, worrying about several things. I've been at my wit's end for the last week about a lot of it and it finally came to a head yesterday and today.
I made a decision yesterday that was going to be quite the test of will, but the willpower was taken out of my hands with the decision of another individual involved. So I sit here, wondering whether to breathe a sigh of relief or be utterly insulted. I guess I feel a bit of both.
For the last few days, I knew what I was doing was going to result in pushing the other person away, and that was part of the allure. That's what I do; I push people away. So while part of me wanted desperately to stop doing what I was doing, I was always able to justify it. A combination of being upset over past events and being lost and confused about current events left me wanting to just be rid of the entire situation. It's just that now that it's not in my control, I feel hurt. I knew what the outcome would be, more or less, but it hurts more in reality than it did hypothetically.
I will say that I really appreciate getting a straightforward explanation for once. That's what I've been pushing for, some sort of communication, even if it's negative communication. I know that it's wrong that I see this as sort of a success because I effectively succeeded in pushing his buttons until he talked, but it does feel that way. At the same time, I know I screwed myself over big time and may have lost an opportunity for a good friend.
Here's where that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure that this person and I could have ever been friends. While there are things about him that I really like and appreciate, no one makes me feel like less of a person than he does. To him I'm not a human being, I'm a thing to be toyed with, I always have been, and you don't treat your friends like things, you treat them like people. The email I received just a few minutes ago is the first time he's treated me like a person since my freshman year, but even that had undertones of condescension and pretension.
So that's why I'm glad I can knit, otherwise I would be sitting here wringing my hands. Focusing on knitting gives both my mind and my hands a release that I need right now, as does writing, so here I am. As much as I've moved backward in my friendship with this person, I've moved forward as a person of my own, and no amount of condescension is going to change that.
I made a decision yesterday that was going to be quite the test of will, but the willpower was taken out of my hands with the decision of another individual involved. So I sit here, wondering whether to breathe a sigh of relief or be utterly insulted. I guess I feel a bit of both.
For the last few days, I knew what I was doing was going to result in pushing the other person away, and that was part of the allure. That's what I do; I push people away. So while part of me wanted desperately to stop doing what I was doing, I was always able to justify it. A combination of being upset over past events and being lost and confused about current events left me wanting to just be rid of the entire situation. It's just that now that it's not in my control, I feel hurt. I knew what the outcome would be, more or less, but it hurts more in reality than it did hypothetically.
I will say that I really appreciate getting a straightforward explanation for once. That's what I've been pushing for, some sort of communication, even if it's negative communication. I know that it's wrong that I see this as sort of a success because I effectively succeeded in pushing his buttons until he talked, but it does feel that way. At the same time, I know I screwed myself over big time and may have lost an opportunity for a good friend.
Here's where that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure that this person and I could have ever been friends. While there are things about him that I really like and appreciate, no one makes me feel like less of a person than he does. To him I'm not a human being, I'm a thing to be toyed with, I always have been, and you don't treat your friends like things, you treat them like people. The email I received just a few minutes ago is the first time he's treated me like a person since my freshman year, but even that had undertones of condescension and pretension.
So that's why I'm glad I can knit, otherwise I would be sitting here wringing my hands. Focusing on knitting gives both my mind and my hands a release that I need right now, as does writing, so here I am. As much as I've moved backward in my friendship with this person, I've moved forward as a person of my own, and no amount of condescension is going to change that.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Forgiveness
I just spent the last two hours talking to someone I thought I would never speak to again. No, it wasn't Eric. Regardless, what this has shown me is that maybe I'm becoming a more forgiving person. Then again, maybe I'm just being ultra naive and will end up very angry with myself in the long run. For now, I think I've made the right decision.
For the last two hours I had the first real conversation I've had with this person and it feels like, for the first time, I'm actually getting to know him. It feels like we will be able to have a friendship without all of the tension and drama that has always (apparently) existed in the past.
I forgive him, but I refuse to forget. That was my biggest mistake this go-around; I forgot who he is and has been the entire time I've known him. I let him continue to do whatever he wanted without any sense of consequence or repercussion. Because I know there's nothing I can do to change that about him, I have to keep him "at arm's length" (as he put it). And I suppose he's right, now that I think about it.
When I'm friends with someone, I care about them, male or female. I care about people, it's part of what makes me the person that I am. I care about nearly everyone I meet if I spend more than, say, two minutes with them. And after nearly three years of knowing this person (albeit sporadic) I care. So when this person decided to cut me out of his life entirely, it hurt. It hurt mostly because I let it happen and because I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I made assumptions about how much time changes people and I was wrong about them. Some things never change.
But after tonight, I'm willing to try something completely new. I'm willing to try a friendship in which I'm not completely trusting. I'm willing to try a friendship in which the past HAS to be forgotten. It's no secret that there IS a past, and no secret what the past holds, but it has to be ignored for this to work. So now we just have to try it.
For the first time in a month, I feel like things are finally starting to look up. I was getting so tired of looking down.
For the last two hours I had the first real conversation I've had with this person and it feels like, for the first time, I'm actually getting to know him. It feels like we will be able to have a friendship without all of the tension and drama that has always (apparently) existed in the past.
I forgive him, but I refuse to forget. That was my biggest mistake this go-around; I forgot who he is and has been the entire time I've known him. I let him continue to do whatever he wanted without any sense of consequence or repercussion. Because I know there's nothing I can do to change that about him, I have to keep him "at arm's length" (as he put it). And I suppose he's right, now that I think about it.
When I'm friends with someone, I care about them, male or female. I care about people, it's part of what makes me the person that I am. I care about nearly everyone I meet if I spend more than, say, two minutes with them. And after nearly three years of knowing this person (albeit sporadic) I care. So when this person decided to cut me out of his life entirely, it hurt. It hurt mostly because I let it happen and because I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I made assumptions about how much time changes people and I was wrong about them. Some things never change.
But after tonight, I'm willing to try something completely new. I'm willing to try a friendship in which I'm not completely trusting. I'm willing to try a friendship in which the past HAS to be forgotten. It's no secret that there IS a past, and no secret what the past holds, but it has to be ignored for this to work. So now we just have to try it.
For the first time in a month, I feel like things are finally starting to look up. I was getting so tired of looking down.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
--er?
--ers are not evenly distributed. When I talk of --ers, I am talking about those people who are funnier, prettier, smarter than other people. The distribution, however, isn't really a distribution at all; the people who are --er are generally possessing more than one --er trait.
I'm sure I have some sort of --er trait, but it doesn't feel like it. At least none of the desirable --ers. I suppose you could say that anything can be an --er, but no one ever woefully looks at a person and says, "She's so much dumber than me, why can't I be like that?" Okay, so almost never, and those who DO say it are definitely the --er in that case anyway.
I feel like everyone I meet at Harvard is some sort of --er, and not all of them are smarter than others, there are a lot of --ers around here. It seems that Harvard is a place where the --ers are finally distributed, but somehow I missed out again.
Okay, so if I think about it really hard, I know I have some desirable --ers. I know there are people that I "trump" in a lot of ways, but in the dating world, it doesn't feel that way. The guys who are interested in me are interested in me for the wrong reasons. And then I find the ultimate --er. Better. You find the one who is actually better than all of the others you've met, at least so far, and you wonder what it is you can do to get him. Well, you have to be --er too. At least one of those desirable --er traits has to be yours. Otherwise, why would he want you? If there are --ers in his life that you don't trump, you'll never be his choice for beauty or brains or humor.
The quote about love not being about finding the perfect person but seeing a person perfectly sort of fits in here. After all, you don't have to be everyone's --er to be HIS --er. Right? The most important thing is to FEEL like you're his --er. As long as you're looking at his hot ex girlfriends or hearing about his hilarious best friend (who happens to be female), you won't feel like the --er. It's important, I've realized, to understand that just because he thinks his friend is funny, or just because other people think his ex is pretty, doesn't mean you're not the --er.
So even if it sometimes feels like the --ers in life aren't evenly distributed, it's because the --ers rarely feel like the --ers. We all want to be the --er, but we're all terrified that we fall behind everyone else.
I suggest making a list of your --ers. No one is THE --er. No one can be better than everyone, it doesn't work like that. But make a list of the things that make you an above average --er. I may not be hilarious, but I'm funnier than the average Harvard student. People here are seriously lacking in the humor department. I also may not have the most friends at Harvard, but I'm friendlier than just about everyone I meet. I don't buy my friends over and I don't lie to get friends, but I'm super friendly to everyone. I have my --ers. Everyone does. Time to get out there and show him what --ers you're made of! ;-)
I'm sure I have some sort of --er trait, but it doesn't feel like it. At least none of the desirable --ers. I suppose you could say that anything can be an --er, but no one ever woefully looks at a person and says, "She's so much dumber than me, why can't I be like that?" Okay, so almost never, and those who DO say it are definitely the --er in that case anyway.
I feel like everyone I meet at Harvard is some sort of --er, and not all of them are smarter than others, there are a lot of --ers around here. It seems that Harvard is a place where the --ers are finally distributed, but somehow I missed out again.
Okay, so if I think about it really hard, I know I have some desirable --ers. I know there are people that I "trump" in a lot of ways, but in the dating world, it doesn't feel that way. The guys who are interested in me are interested in me for the wrong reasons. And then I find the ultimate --er. Better. You find the one who is actually better than all of the others you've met, at least so far, and you wonder what it is you can do to get him. Well, you have to be --er too. At least one of those desirable --er traits has to be yours. Otherwise, why would he want you? If there are --ers in his life that you don't trump, you'll never be his choice for beauty or brains or humor.
The quote about love not being about finding the perfect person but seeing a person perfectly sort of fits in here. After all, you don't have to be everyone's --er to be HIS --er. Right? The most important thing is to FEEL like you're his --er. As long as you're looking at his hot ex girlfriends or hearing about his hilarious best friend (who happens to be female), you won't feel like the --er. It's important, I've realized, to understand that just because he thinks his friend is funny, or just because other people think his ex is pretty, doesn't mean you're not the --er.
So even if it sometimes feels like the --ers in life aren't evenly distributed, it's because the --ers rarely feel like the --ers. We all want to be the --er, but we're all terrified that we fall behind everyone else.
I suggest making a list of your --ers. No one is THE --er. No one can be better than everyone, it doesn't work like that. But make a list of the things that make you an above average --er. I may not be hilarious, but I'm funnier than the average Harvard student. People here are seriously lacking in the humor department. I also may not have the most friends at Harvard, but I'm friendlier than just about everyone I meet. I don't buy my friends over and I don't lie to get friends, but I'm super friendly to everyone. I have my --ers. Everyone does. Time to get out there and show him what --ers you're made of! ;-)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
This summer is mine
It's been an incredibly long time since I posted; work's been crazy and even though lots has been happening, there hasn't been a whole lot to actually write about. Okay, so there's been stuff to write about, I just can't put most of it into words, but here goes the first try:
Rachel and Phillip got married on June 22 and it was really great. It was weird seeing Rachel in a wedding dress, but the day was redeemed when she put on sneakers under her wedding dress at cocktail hour.
The Friday before the wedding, a group of us went out for a bachelorette party of sorts. It ended up just being Rachel, Laura, Jess, Ashley, Diana and me at Tequila Rain, but before we got there, Diana, Ashley, Spencer, Camille and I went to Popeye's for food. Yes, we went to Popeye's on the night of the bachelorette party without the bride to be. It's not our fault she was late and we were hungry. :-)
But regardless, Tequila Rain was a LOT of fun. Unfortunately, not many of my friends are get out and dance kind of people, so without this group (almost all of whom are recent graduates and will be moving away very soon) I don't know when the next time I can go out and dance will be.
June 30th was the Pearl Jam concert and it was AMAZING! I had such a good time and can't wait until the next show (this is sooner than I expected). Just two or three days after the show, which was the last one on the tour aside from a fundraising event in NY, the TenClub announced that Eddie Vedder is going on a solo tour starting in August, and his first two stops--August 1st and 2nd--are going to be in Boston! Fan club tickets go on sale tomorrow afternoon and I already got someone to cover my work shift for me on the 2nd, so I'm pumped and ready to go (too bad it's a month away). So what if I spend a large chunk of my money this summer on concerts? It's been so long since I let myself have fun and do the things I want to do that nothing is going to stop me from doing exactly THAT this summer.
Speaking of having fun and doing what I want to do...I'm going to the beach at some point this summer whether anyone wants to go with me or not! I work on weekends, which really sucks mind you, but I'm hoping that means that if I go to the beach on my days off (Tuesday or Wednesday) there won't be as many people there. No such luck because I've realized that most teenagers around here don't work full-time in the summer the way I did when I was in high school, so I'm sure it will still be packed. Regardless, I'm going to go--I need some sun and relaxation.
Oh, and speaking of relaxation and my need for it...I have another stomach ulcer. Yesterday it once again felt like some wild animal was trying to gnaw its way out of my stomach. I know, it's gross, but that's how it felt. It was hurting so bad that it stopped me from going out with Ashley and Rachel last night, which really sucks considering Rachel is leaving in a couple of weeks. But I'm back in the groove of taking my medicine before I eat and I'm working hard on letting go of all the bullshit I'm dealing with at work, which, let me tell you, is building up like you wouldn't believe.
Never in my life have I been treated so poorly by an employer. It's crazy because these are the same employers I had last summer and things weren't like this. I'm not sure what happened over the course of the last year, but something obviously did. These people that I loved working with and for last summer now make me want to get on a train and head back to North Carolina almost every day. I'm so sick of being treated like crap by the people who absolutely depend on me and the rest of the dorm staff to make the program work. We're the "hired help" on the bottom of the totem pole and they don't give a rat's ass about us. They treat us like lepers 90% of the time and then want us to kiss ass when they're around. I give everything I have to my job, but I'm not doing that anymore when all it's getting me is a whole lot of stress and scraps from the back of the kitchen (that's not even hyperbole). At this point, I'm going to invest just enough of me to get by with what I'm required to do and I'm going to do as much as I can to get a nice paycheck, but beyond that, I'm not investing myself in this. This summer is about ME and what I want to do.
Hopefully I won't be so invested in work once I meet with C.A. on Wednesday about doing some psych research with her this summer. My other research opportunity fell through and I was intially just going to put all of my time into this job, but it's all too obvious that isn't the right plan. So I'm meeting her for lunch on Wednesday and hopefully she's doing research on which she could use another hand/brain/set of eyes. I love C.A. and I'd love to get involved with her research even though it's not exactly the line of psych into which I want to get involved ultimately. Right now I just want to work in the field a bit so that I can show prospective grad schools that I can do the work and that I'm good at it. I'll probably only go in a couple of days a week (NOT on my days off, mind you). The good thing for me is that my dorm staff job is from 2:30-8:30 every day, so I can go do research at like 9 a.m. and then come to work at 2:30. Granted, this will put a lot on my plate, but it will also get me out of bed and doing something productive with myself. I'm looking forward to it.
Also, I've gone a few dates, though they've been nothing to write home about. Despite that, I've realized how much being single has affected my overall view of Boston. Now that I'm single I'm discovering a whole side of Boston that only previously existed for me in lore. All of the things I had hoped Boston would be are all there, I just couldn't see them before. Where I used to think that there was no way I'd ever stay in New England or a city, I'm starting to reconsider. I might even stay up this way for grad school, and maybe even beyond. We'll just have to see.
I've made a wonderful new friend named Janice. She moved here from Wisconsin less than a year ago so she still has that desire to explore that most of my friends have lost or never had. Now that I'm single and have that side of me back, I'm so excited to have someone to explore with. We've only hung out a few times, but each time we've done something/gone somewhere that I hadn't previously done/been and it's been a blast! Hmm...I doubt it's possible, but I wonder if I can talk her into taking off one Tuesday or Wednesday and going to the beach with me...I'll have to work on that.
I've been here a month and I leave in another month and a week, so I want to really get going on some of the stuff I'd been planning to do but for which I hadn't yet made time. It's time now. :-)I'm going to make the most of it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
The spark
Things are so much better now. I feel like everything is fresh and new. To put it simply, things are okay; I'm okay.
This trip home has done wonders for me. It has made me realize and remember just how strong I am as a person. I am home, in more ways than just the physical, and it makes me feel more alive than I've felt in a very long time.
Meeting/getting to know new people has also worked wonders for me. Making new friends and sharing information about myself has helped me to recapture the things that I enjoy, the things that mean something to me. It had been so long since I had done something just for myself that I forgot what my interests really were. Talking to new people who want to know about my interests has changed things for me.
Joey is going to the Pearl Jam concert with me at the end of June and I'm looking forward to it a lot. The next mission is to save up money to buy myself a New Kids on the Block ticket on craigslist before they're all gone or too expensive. I don't care if I'm in the furthest point of the balcony, I just want to be there; this is something I've wanted since I was 3 (literally).
I go back to Cambridge in a week and I have mixed feelings about the trip. Although my outlook on a lot of things has changed, I'm not sure what that's going to mean for my summer, or for my senior year in the fall. I'm looking forward to getting a drink with Paul at some point when I get back and maybe hanging out with Yacine (Jaseen?) a time or two before he moves to NY.
Emily is going to be in Cambridge for the summer too, but she'll be working through the week and I won't get to see her very often most likely. I'll get to see her some though, and that's better than any other summer in the past. :-) I'm looking forward to that a lot.
I had thought about going to California for a week or so on August, but I think it would be a wiser decision to stay in NC and put the money on my credit card. I'd like to get the thing paid off as soon as possible. I also want to be in town for the fair this September, provided that I don't have to be back in Cambridge until after the date of the fair. I haven't been able to go to it since before I graduated from high school and it's one of the things I've missed in life. I always loved going to the fair, but I guess I never really and truly appreciated it until I wasn't able to go to it anymore after going every single year for so long.
I haven't seen anyone from high school since I've been in Franklin and it sucks. Hopefully that will change after this weekend (it better since this coming week is my last one here until August). I want so badly to see everyone, but it's hard to make time for things because I want to see my family too. After all, I never get to see them either. This weekend my family is going fishing one day and to Cades Cove another day. The only problem with that is that I won't have a chance to see either Amie or Laura as I had planned, unless of course either (or both) of them can hang out with me Saturday night. Friday night is technically still up for grabs too, though Melissa invited me over. I spent last Saturday there though, so if one of my friends wants to do something, I might forego the party this weekend. I get to see Melissa every time I come into town, some of these friends I haven't seen since high school.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the fire I used to have; the spark of ferocity I was known for by so many people seems to have disappeared over the last couple of years. I'm sure that a lot of it has to do with all of the things I went through freshman year at Harvard, which were trying to say the least, and also to do with my own hesitations about whether or not I'm good enough to be at Harvard in the first place. I need my spark back, but it's hard when I'm in a completely foreign place with no one I really know. I have friends that I've made since coming to Harvard, but there are few that I actually trust. This makes me feel alone the majority of the time, and when I'm alone, I'm just not me.
I'm a social person by nature, but for so long I've been locked away from other people (in many ways and for various reasons). Now it's hard to go out and have the confidence in myself that I used to have. It's hard to WANT to have a spark. But the desire is back now, which will undoubtedly be followed by the tenacity that was the basis of one of my letters of recommendation for Harvard, the tenacity that garnered me the reputation of being a lovable pitbull. Once the tenacity returns, the spark will come with it; it is already beginning to smolder, it just needs some space to breathe, literally. Strangely, it feels like my senior year at Harvard is my year to start over, try things fresh and reinvent myself. No one at Harvard knows the real me, at least very few, so it's time to do what I want in the way I want it. The people who take issue with that are no longer important to me.
Welcome back, spark.
This trip home has done wonders for me. It has made me realize and remember just how strong I am as a person. I am home, in more ways than just the physical, and it makes me feel more alive than I've felt in a very long time.
Meeting/getting to know new people has also worked wonders for me. Making new friends and sharing information about myself has helped me to recapture the things that I enjoy, the things that mean something to me. It had been so long since I had done something just for myself that I forgot what my interests really were. Talking to new people who want to know about my interests has changed things for me.
Joey is going to the Pearl Jam concert with me at the end of June and I'm looking forward to it a lot. The next mission is to save up money to buy myself a New Kids on the Block ticket on craigslist before they're all gone or too expensive. I don't care if I'm in the furthest point of the balcony, I just want to be there; this is something I've wanted since I was 3 (literally).
I go back to Cambridge in a week and I have mixed feelings about the trip. Although my outlook on a lot of things has changed, I'm not sure what that's going to mean for my summer, or for my senior year in the fall. I'm looking forward to getting a drink with Paul at some point when I get back and maybe hanging out with Yacine (Jaseen?) a time or two before he moves to NY.
Emily is going to be in Cambridge for the summer too, but she'll be working through the week and I won't get to see her very often most likely. I'll get to see her some though, and that's better than any other summer in the past. :-) I'm looking forward to that a lot.
I had thought about going to California for a week or so on August, but I think it would be a wiser decision to stay in NC and put the money on my credit card. I'd like to get the thing paid off as soon as possible. I also want to be in town for the fair this September, provided that I don't have to be back in Cambridge until after the date of the fair. I haven't been able to go to it since before I graduated from high school and it's one of the things I've missed in life. I always loved going to the fair, but I guess I never really and truly appreciated it until I wasn't able to go to it anymore after going every single year for so long.
I haven't seen anyone from high school since I've been in Franklin and it sucks. Hopefully that will change after this weekend (it better since this coming week is my last one here until August). I want so badly to see everyone, but it's hard to make time for things because I want to see my family too. After all, I never get to see them either. This weekend my family is going fishing one day and to Cades Cove another day. The only problem with that is that I won't have a chance to see either Amie or Laura as I had planned, unless of course either (or both) of them can hang out with me Saturday night. Friday night is technically still up for grabs too, though Melissa invited me over. I spent last Saturday there though, so if one of my friends wants to do something, I might forego the party this weekend. I get to see Melissa every time I come into town, some of these friends I haven't seen since high school.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the fire I used to have; the spark of ferocity I was known for by so many people seems to have disappeared over the last couple of years. I'm sure that a lot of it has to do with all of the things I went through freshman year at Harvard, which were trying to say the least, and also to do with my own hesitations about whether or not I'm good enough to be at Harvard in the first place. I need my spark back, but it's hard when I'm in a completely foreign place with no one I really know. I have friends that I've made since coming to Harvard, but there are few that I actually trust. This makes me feel alone the majority of the time, and when I'm alone, I'm just not me.
I'm a social person by nature, but for so long I've been locked away from other people (in many ways and for various reasons). Now it's hard to go out and have the confidence in myself that I used to have. It's hard to WANT to have a spark. But the desire is back now, which will undoubtedly be followed by the tenacity that was the basis of one of my letters of recommendation for Harvard, the tenacity that garnered me the reputation of being a lovable pitbull. Once the tenacity returns, the spark will come with it; it is already beginning to smolder, it just needs some space to breathe, literally. Strangely, it feels like my senior year at Harvard is my year to start over, try things fresh and reinvent myself. No one at Harvard knows the real me, at least very few, so it's time to do what I want in the way I want it. The people who take issue with that are no longer important to me.
Welcome back, spark.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
No words to describe it.
Eric and I broke up last night and my heart is absolutely aching. It had been a long time coming, we've been arguing nonstop lately, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I love him so very much, but sometimes love just isn't enough. I want the best for him in everything he does in his life and I hope that everything works out for him. He's a wonderful person, we just weren't meant to be together.
I've basically been breaking down all day. I have a final on Tuesday and I may not take it. I have to decide by tonight. My resident dean said she could get me a makeup exam in the fall if I go to UHS before 8:00 a.m. tomorrow (the trip to UHS has to happen at least 24 hours before the final exam is scheduled), but I don't think I'm going to take her up on it. It will just be harder to take the exam in the fall during all of my midterms for the classes I'll actually be taking then. Not only will the material not be fresh in my head anymore, but I'll also have a lot on my plate. It will be better for me to just go ahead and take it Tuesday, as much as I'm hurting and as poorly as I'll probably do. I can't focus on anything. I literally haven't been able to do anything all day but rotate between my computer chair and my bed. I just feel completely empty. After either being with Eric or talking to him every day for over a year, he's not in my life anymore.
I'm always going to love him and the times we had together. Always. He just wasn't my future, and we both knew that. But it's killing me.
I've basically been breaking down all day. I have a final on Tuesday and I may not take it. I have to decide by tonight. My resident dean said she could get me a makeup exam in the fall if I go to UHS before 8:00 a.m. tomorrow (the trip to UHS has to happen at least 24 hours before the final exam is scheduled), but I don't think I'm going to take her up on it. It will just be harder to take the exam in the fall during all of my midterms for the classes I'll actually be taking then. Not only will the material not be fresh in my head anymore, but I'll also have a lot on my plate. It will be better for me to just go ahead and take it Tuesday, as much as I'm hurting and as poorly as I'll probably do. I can't focus on anything. I literally haven't been able to do anything all day but rotate between my computer chair and my bed. I just feel completely empty. After either being with Eric or talking to him every day for over a year, he's not in my life anymore.
I'm always going to love him and the times we had together. Always. He just wasn't my future, and we both knew that. But it's killing me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Oh, and a quick update
Some issues that have recently been resolved, but on which I forgot to give an update:
I found my missing jewelry box and jewelry (whew!).
I went to the Verizon store and, after a bit of an altercation with one of the employees, my battery was replaced. Although the operations manager from the previous week was in the office, he tried to ignore me and my issues until I pointed him out as the person who had assured me the battery wouldn't be a problem. It was quite the adventure.
I still haven't resolved my mp3 player issue. Online support says the case has been "resolved" and the last I heard from them, they were going to send me an RMA. The case was closed at the beginning of April...where's my RMA? I'm going to email the same technician who initially handled my case to try to find out what is going on.
I have 5 research papers due within the next two weeks and 3 final exams thereafter. It's going to be an interesting month.
I found my missing jewelry box and jewelry (whew!).
I went to the Verizon store and, after a bit of an altercation with one of the employees, my battery was replaced. Although the operations manager from the previous week was in the office, he tried to ignore me and my issues until I pointed him out as the person who had assured me the battery wouldn't be a problem. It was quite the adventure.
I still haven't resolved my mp3 player issue. Online support says the case has been "resolved" and the last I heard from them, they were going to send me an RMA. The case was closed at the beginning of April...where's my RMA? I'm going to email the same technician who initially handled my case to try to find out what is going on.
I have 5 research papers due within the next two weeks and 3 final exams thereafter. It's going to be an interesting month.
Why are humans becoming incapable of communicating effectively?
Because it's so difficult to understand what everyone is trying to say!
What am I talking about?
It took me a while to get through this article because I had a hard time figuring out what some of the abbreviations were supposed to mean and because I couldn't bear to look at it for more than a few minutes. I hope to GOD that it never becomes the norm to stop capitalizing the beginning of sentences.
What can I possibly do to make sure this never happens, at least not during my lifetime? Sadly, many employers, as noted in the article, are accepting this way of communicating and it IS becoming the norm. I swear if I ever run a business, or my own practice, it will be very clear to my employees or co-workers that they should never send me an email in this kind of shorthand, or any for that matter.
If people want my respect, they have to earn it, and that includes at least making some attempt to appear intelligent and cognizant of the way adults should behave and communicate.
I think I need a drink...
What am I talking about?
It took me a while to get through this article because I had a hard time figuring out what some of the abbreviations were supposed to mean and because I couldn't bear to look at it for more than a few minutes. I hope to GOD that it never becomes the norm to stop capitalizing the beginning of sentences.
What can I possibly do to make sure this never happens, at least not during my lifetime? Sadly, many employers, as noted in the article, are accepting this way of communicating and it IS becoming the norm. I swear if I ever run a business, or my own practice, it will be very clear to my employees or co-workers that they should never send me an email in this kind of shorthand, or any for that matter.
If people want my respect, they have to earn it, and that includes at least making some attempt to appear intelligent and cognizant of the way adults should behave and communicate.
I think I need a drink...
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Reflections
I've been sitting here for hours trying to start my Lit and Arts B final paper, but I just can't seem to. I'm having a strangely reflective night, but I'm not accomplishing much in the way of that either. It's like there's a wall between my conscious and subconscious that isn't normally there. On an average day, I can pretty easily access what it is that I'm feeling deep down inside, but there's something about today, about me, that just doesn't feel right. I'm uncomfortable. I'm restless. I don't like it.
I'm sure that sitting here and listening to music isn't helping. If I turned the music off, there would probably be a lot less reflection and I could get my paper done. The problem with that is that everything would just get buried for a few more days, maybe a few weeks, which is even worse. But what is it that I'm burying? What is it that I need to figure out?
Hopefully it becomes more clear as the night wears on...
Goodnight!
I'm sure that sitting here and listening to music isn't helping. If I turned the music off, there would probably be a lot less reflection and I could get my paper done. The problem with that is that everything would just get buried for a few more days, maybe a few weeks, which is even worse. But what is it that I'm burying? What is it that I need to figure out?
Hopefully it becomes more clear as the night wears on...
Goodnight!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Yoga, Yahoo, and Yelling
I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I found an awesome group through yahoo and I've been spending a lot of my time getting to know the other group members; it's nice to feel like I've found my niche.
I had a presentation today in developmental psychopathology on borderline personality disorder, which I think went fairly well. At the beginning of class the professor made a comment about how all of the presentations today were on personality disorders and jokingly posited "That's interesting, for psychodynamic reasons." Although it drew chuckles, it was obvious that a few of them were uncomfortable, but at the same time, his comment wasn't mean spirited so it actually worked to put the presenters (at least me) at ease. Thanks!
I finally switched over to my new phone and the operations manager at Verizon assured me that the battery issue was just an issue with the old phone and that I should no longer have problems with the battery now that I've switched phones. It died on me today after 15 minutes of conversation, which indicates to me that the other problems I was having with the phone served to effectively kill my battery entirely. I'll be paying Verizon another visit this weekend and I really hope that the same operations manager is there; it will be more fun that way.
I went to yoga tonight, and it absolutely killed me! Some of the girls in the class had asked the instructor to do a harder class this week, so she did. Little did I know upon going tonight that it was not a good night for a novice. Regardless, it was a lot of fun and I'll be going back next Monday. I'm really excited! The instructor assured me that next week she'll be going back to an easier session, so that's a relief. Now I just need to get a yoga mat this weekend.
Otherwise I think it has been a fairly uneventful last couple of weeks. I'm back in the routine after spring break, but I have a lot of stuff to deal with, including finding a lost box of jewelry. I know I brought it back with me from NC, and it was on my carryon so I know it was not misplaced, so it must be in my room somewhere, the question is just where...
Guess that's a task for later in the week as well.
Goodnight y'all!
I had a presentation today in developmental psychopathology on borderline personality disorder, which I think went fairly well. At the beginning of class the professor made a comment about how all of the presentations today were on personality disorders and jokingly posited "That's interesting, for psychodynamic reasons." Although it drew chuckles, it was obvious that a few of them were uncomfortable, but at the same time, his comment wasn't mean spirited so it actually worked to put the presenters (at least me) at ease. Thanks!
I finally switched over to my new phone and the operations manager at Verizon assured me that the battery issue was just an issue with the old phone and that I should no longer have problems with the battery now that I've switched phones. It died on me today after 15 minutes of conversation, which indicates to me that the other problems I was having with the phone served to effectively kill my battery entirely. I'll be paying Verizon another visit this weekend and I really hope that the same operations manager is there; it will be more fun that way.
I went to yoga tonight, and it absolutely killed me! Some of the girls in the class had asked the instructor to do a harder class this week, so she did. Little did I know upon going tonight that it was not a good night for a novice. Regardless, it was a lot of fun and I'll be going back next Monday. I'm really excited! The instructor assured me that next week she'll be going back to an easier session, so that's a relief. Now I just need to get a yoga mat this weekend.
Otherwise I think it has been a fairly uneventful last couple of weeks. I'm back in the routine after spring break, but I have a lot of stuff to deal with, including finding a lost box of jewelry. I know I brought it back with me from NC, and it was on my carryon so I know it was not misplaced, so it must be in my room somewhere, the question is just where...
Guess that's a task for later in the week as well.
Goodnight y'all!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Spring semester woes
I got back to Cambridge from my spring break last night and I already wish I was back in North Carolina.
The good thing is that I had an opportunity to catch up with a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time and I had a chance to really think about what I want to do after I graduate next year. Still thinking about it, but things are much more concrete than they were before I went to North Carolina.
I also had the chance to read a couple of great books. Unfortunately I didn't start reading until the last day of spring break, so I only got two books in, one on Saturday and one on Sunday during the ride to the airport and the flight back to Boston. Reading good books always makes me want to start reading more and inevitably makes me want to start writing again as well. I don't for a second doubt that I want to be a child psychologist until I start thinking about writing again, and then I'm not too sure. I know that I want to do something to help people, but reading and writing will always be a big part of my life. I'm sure that I'll want to sit down and write nonstop once I retire, but I really want to be writing before then. Is it entirely impossible for me to write while I'm working as a child psychologist? I sure hope not. Obviously it will be tough for me to write while I'm getting my PhD, so I'm not going to get my hopes up, but there will be a time when I'll have time.
I also went to the casino with my parents while I was home. Three times. It was actually a lot of fun, I understand why they go so much. I did, however, use dad's money to play, so I don't know if I'd be so quick to go with my own money.
I finally went to Cody's too, which was a lot of fun. It was nice to be able to order a beer, not just because I'm 21, but because I was in Franklin. When you come from a town that didn't serve alcohol your entire life and you come back for your spring break and can order a beer in a restaurant, it's a pretty big deal. I saw Marie while I was there. I'm glad she's still working there. Apparently she's the only person left from when it was Western Sizzlin' and I worked there. Well, her and my ex fiance, but he wasn't there the night Amie, Caleb, and I went. Maybe there is a God. Despite the allure of serving alcohol, I wasn't that impressed with the restaurant itself. My steak was wrong (medium well when I ordered medium rare) and it was tough--most likely a product of being cooked medium well. The rolls and the cinnamon butter were fantastic though, and so was the queso and chips. The cheesecake was hard, almost tasted frozen, so it just wasn't good. Maybe it was just a one time thing, but from what I remember, Amie and Caleb didn't have a very good experience there the first time they went, also because the food was not very good. That particular time, their food was cold.
Regardless, I had a lot of new experiences while I was home on spring break and enjoyed it overall. I just wish that I didn't have to come back to a truckload of work. Ugh.
The good thing is that I had an opportunity to catch up with a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time and I had a chance to really think about what I want to do after I graduate next year. Still thinking about it, but things are much more concrete than they were before I went to North Carolina.
I also had the chance to read a couple of great books. Unfortunately I didn't start reading until the last day of spring break, so I only got two books in, one on Saturday and one on Sunday during the ride to the airport and the flight back to Boston. Reading good books always makes me want to start reading more and inevitably makes me want to start writing again as well. I don't for a second doubt that I want to be a child psychologist until I start thinking about writing again, and then I'm not too sure. I know that I want to do something to help people, but reading and writing will always be a big part of my life. I'm sure that I'll want to sit down and write nonstop once I retire, but I really want to be writing before then. Is it entirely impossible for me to write while I'm working as a child psychologist? I sure hope not. Obviously it will be tough for me to write while I'm getting my PhD, so I'm not going to get my hopes up, but there will be a time when I'll have time.
I also went to the casino with my parents while I was home. Three times. It was actually a lot of fun, I understand why they go so much. I did, however, use dad's money to play, so I don't know if I'd be so quick to go with my own money.
I finally went to Cody's too, which was a lot of fun. It was nice to be able to order a beer, not just because I'm 21, but because I was in Franklin. When you come from a town that didn't serve alcohol your entire life and you come back for your spring break and can order a beer in a restaurant, it's a pretty big deal. I saw Marie while I was there. I'm glad she's still working there. Apparently she's the only person left from when it was Western Sizzlin' and I worked there. Well, her and my ex fiance, but he wasn't there the night Amie, Caleb, and I went. Maybe there is a God. Despite the allure of serving alcohol, I wasn't that impressed with the restaurant itself. My steak was wrong (medium well when I ordered medium rare) and it was tough--most likely a product of being cooked medium well. The rolls and the cinnamon butter were fantastic though, and so was the queso and chips. The cheesecake was hard, almost tasted frozen, so it just wasn't good. Maybe it was just a one time thing, but from what I remember, Amie and Caleb didn't have a very good experience there the first time they went, also because the food was not very good. That particular time, their food was cold.
Regardless, I had a lot of new experiences while I was home on spring break and enjoyed it overall. I just wish that I didn't have to come back to a truckload of work. Ugh.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Update
So the Vagina Monologues cast party was kind of a dud. Turns out that not many people could make it, or maybe just not that many people were interested since it was a month after our performance. Either way, we had 7 pizzas for 8 people. Needless to say, most of the pizza went to people who weren't in the cast but who happened to wander by.
After the VM party, the girls on the 5th floor came in the solarium to pre-game for the 90s dance, along with Roger who is visiting from San Diego while he takes this year off from Harvard. He brought two of his friends from San Diego, the twins Kiley and Nick, who are absolutely awesome. After hanging out in the solarium, we finally went to Pfoho for the 90s dance, and it was utterly amazing.
I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at Harvard, and it's partly because I miss the 90s so much. Any event that plays "Waiting for Tonight" by Jennifer Lopez directly after playing "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy is a pretty fantastic event. All in all, I couldn't have enjoyed it more.
I take that back. I would have enjoyed it more if this random creepy guy hadn't started grinding up against me. It was completely terrifying. I moved away from him as soon as I could, but he followed me! I don't know why he didn't get the hint, but he started asking me my name and stuff until I finally had Victoria save me. TERRIBLE experience, but I didn't let it ruin the night.
After the dance I went back to Currier to hang out with Roger, Nick, and Kiley. Turns out that there was a whole group of people hanging out in the room with them, so it ended up being a small party all its own. We went up to the Bingham Solarium around 2:30, but the smoke was getting to me so I just decided to head back down to the room.
I finally fell asleep around 5 this morning (bad idea since I had a meeting at 10 a.m.), but it was worth it!
After putting together the CHI spring break kits at the meeting this morning, I decided to take a nap. I ended up sleeping until like 3, at which point I got up and got ready for my second meeting of the day, which was at 5 p.m. for Student Mental Health Liaisons. After that I came back to Currier with full intentions of doing work, but I remembered that there was going to be a study break at 8 with egg dyeing! I couldn't resist, so I spent an hour and a half dyeing eggs. After that I came to my room and heard Roger and the twins next door, so I hung out with them and Ginger for a while and then came to my room to "study" while they watched Mean Girls.
Right now I should be studying for midterms; that was my goal for tonight. The problem started when I decided I needed to take my mp3 player with me to the dining hall to study. I soon realized that I needed to add more songs to the mp3 player and that in order to do that I needed to download windows media player (winamp wasn't working for whatever reason). After finally uploading the songs that I wanted, there was no point in going down to the dining hall to study since I plan to get up at 8 to go to the gym. So now I'm just listening to the mp3 player looking at some of the images for my midterm in photography on Wednesday. Hey, at least I'm being somewhat productive. I'll probably do most of my studying tomorrow night.
I guess since the night is shot, I should just go to bed.
Goodnight!
Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day!
After the VM party, the girls on the 5th floor came in the solarium to pre-game for the 90s dance, along with Roger who is visiting from San Diego while he takes this year off from Harvard. He brought two of his friends from San Diego, the twins Kiley and Nick, who are absolutely awesome. After hanging out in the solarium, we finally went to Pfoho for the 90s dance, and it was utterly amazing.
I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at Harvard, and it's partly because I miss the 90s so much. Any event that plays "Waiting for Tonight" by Jennifer Lopez directly after playing "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy is a pretty fantastic event. All in all, I couldn't have enjoyed it more.
I take that back. I would have enjoyed it more if this random creepy guy hadn't started grinding up against me. It was completely terrifying. I moved away from him as soon as I could, but he followed me! I don't know why he didn't get the hint, but he started asking me my name and stuff until I finally had Victoria save me. TERRIBLE experience, but I didn't let it ruin the night.
After the dance I went back to Currier to hang out with Roger, Nick, and Kiley. Turns out that there was a whole group of people hanging out in the room with them, so it ended up being a small party all its own. We went up to the Bingham Solarium around 2:30, but the smoke was getting to me so I just decided to head back down to the room.
I finally fell asleep around 5 this morning (bad idea since I had a meeting at 10 a.m.), but it was worth it!
After putting together the CHI spring break kits at the meeting this morning, I decided to take a nap. I ended up sleeping until like 3, at which point I got up and got ready for my second meeting of the day, which was at 5 p.m. for Student Mental Health Liaisons. After that I came back to Currier with full intentions of doing work, but I remembered that there was going to be a study break at 8 with egg dyeing! I couldn't resist, so I spent an hour and a half dyeing eggs. After that I came to my room and heard Roger and the twins next door, so I hung out with them and Ginger for a while and then came to my room to "study" while they watched Mean Girls.
Right now I should be studying for midterms; that was my goal for tonight. The problem started when I decided I needed to take my mp3 player with me to the dining hall to study. I soon realized that I needed to add more songs to the mp3 player and that in order to do that I needed to download windows media player (winamp wasn't working for whatever reason). After finally uploading the songs that I wanted, there was no point in going down to the dining hall to study since I plan to get up at 8 to go to the gym. So now I'm just listening to the mp3 player looking at some of the images for my midterm in photography on Wednesday. Hey, at least I'm being somewhat productive. I'll probably do most of my studying tomorrow night.
I guess since the night is shot, I should just go to bed.
Goodnight!
Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Cast party and 90s dance
So tonight we're finally having the Vagina Monologues cast party, so I'm pumped. It's going to be in the Gilbert Solarium, which is super convenient for me. Afterwards I'll be heading over to Pfoho, which is just on the other side of the driveway, for the 90s dance. :-)
I'm still looking for stuff to wear to the 90s dance, so wish me luck!
I'm still looking for stuff to wear to the 90s dance, so wish me luck!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Love and Marriage
So there is plenty of news to go 'round, but the biggest news I have received is the impending marriage of my best friend from back home, and I couldn't be happier for her. Amie and I have been friends since 3rd grade (except for our stupidity in 8th grade) and I love her like she was my sister. I'm so glad she's found the person who makes her the happiest she's ever been in her life. I'm looking forward to next April and her wedding more than I ever imagined I would be, and I can't wait to see her when I go home for spring break.
Now that Amie is officially engaged, the list of my friends who are getting married has grown to epic proportions:
Cortney, Laura, Amanda, Trista, Amie and several others that I don't know very well.
And of course there's Brooke, who just got married on March 1st, and my countless other friends who are already married. When I was engaged in high school, I never thought I'd be one of the last of my friends to get married, but here I am.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for all of my friends. I'm absolutely thrilled that they have found wonderful people and that they're happy.
Up here in New England, you don't get married until your 30s, and even then it's rare. People up here tend to just live together for the rest of their lives without getting married. I think that a lot of men here are scared by the prospect of marriage, at least of marriage in their 20s.
I know I shouldn't put all of my stock in this, but I was watching Tyra today and there was a relationship expert taking questions from audience members and people at home. One of the things the expert said was to NEVER bring up marriage if you're the woman, that it should be something that the man brings up.
Unlike anyone in New England, my family expects me to be getting married soon and, to be honest, I always assumed I'd be either married or engaged by this point.
Wish me luck!
Now that Amie is officially engaged, the list of my friends who are getting married has grown to epic proportions:
Cortney, Laura, Amanda, Trista, Amie and several others that I don't know very well.
And of course there's Brooke, who just got married on March 1st, and my countless other friends who are already married. When I was engaged in high school, I never thought I'd be one of the last of my friends to get married, but here I am.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for all of my friends. I'm absolutely thrilled that they have found wonderful people and that they're happy.
Up here in New England, you don't get married until your 30s, and even then it's rare. People up here tend to just live together for the rest of their lives without getting married. I think that a lot of men here are scared by the prospect of marriage, at least of marriage in their 20s.
I know I shouldn't put all of my stock in this, but I was watching Tyra today and there was a relationship expert taking questions from audience members and people at home. One of the things the expert said was to NEVER bring up marriage if you're the woman, that it should be something that the man brings up.
Unlike anyone in New England, my family expects me to be getting married soon and, to be honest, I always assumed I'd be either married or engaged by this point.
Wish me luck!
Monday, March 3, 2008
The month when every city is the windy city
Oh fair March, where have you been these last few months? Buried under snow you say?
So it's March (no surprise to anyone using a lunar calendar) and there's still plenty of snow in New England. Looks like it might be another couple of weeks before we start to see green--or brown as the case may be.
Luckily I'm going home for spring break this year. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and spending some time in North Carolina because I'm most likely spending my summer here again this year, which is tough at best.
Whoa.
I'm not really sure where the semester has gone. I'm also not very sure about how I'm going to finish the two papers I have due this week. But I know deep down that the papers will get done and that the semester will turn out okay. None of my classes are terrible this semester and there are several that I like a lot, so even if things are speeding past me, I'm keeping up as well as can be expected and it'll pay off come the end of May.
Every year my mom sends me an easter basket in the mail (you'd just have to meet my mom) and it's absolutely fabulous. Even though I went home freshman year for spring break, it didn't fall on Easter so I wasn't able to spend it with the family. Last year I stayed in Cambridge (well actually Melrose) for both Easter and spring break, so I'm super excited to see everyone at home.
In addition to my new niece Haylee (born last August), my Aunt Melissa (who is more like a sister to me) just had her second child, Kelcie. I'm excited to see both of them. My cousin Chrissy just found out that she's expecting her second child, so it's an overall exciting time in my family.
I'm still debating what to get my family members for their birthdays, but I need to figure it out soon, especially mom's, so if anyone has ideas please send them my way! The older I get, the harder it is to shop for my family members, but mom is probably the easiest. She loves to read, especially Stephen King and Dean Koontz, so it makes my life a lot easier when one of them publishes a new book. I'll have to look into that for her birthday. I don't want it to be expected though, considering that Eric and I got her Dean Koontz books for Christmas, but if it comes down to it, I'll resort to the books.
Dad and Randy are harder because when they see something they want, they usually go out and get it, whereas mom is more like me and tends not to buy things for herself. I genuinely have no idea what to get dad or Randy, so those two may come down to the wire.
Either way, I welcome the windy month into my life. It's been a long time March, welcome back.
So it's March (no surprise to anyone using a lunar calendar) and there's still plenty of snow in New England. Looks like it might be another couple of weeks before we start to see green--or brown as the case may be.
Luckily I'm going home for spring break this year. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and spending some time in North Carolina because I'm most likely spending my summer here again this year, which is tough at best.
Whoa.
I'm not really sure where the semester has gone. I'm also not very sure about how I'm going to finish the two papers I have due this week. But I know deep down that the papers will get done and that the semester will turn out okay. None of my classes are terrible this semester and there are several that I like a lot, so even if things are speeding past me, I'm keeping up as well as can be expected and it'll pay off come the end of May.
Every year my mom sends me an easter basket in the mail (you'd just have to meet my mom) and it's absolutely fabulous. Even though I went home freshman year for spring break, it didn't fall on Easter so I wasn't able to spend it with the family. Last year I stayed in Cambridge (well actually Melrose) for both Easter and spring break, so I'm super excited to see everyone at home.
In addition to my new niece Haylee (born last August), my Aunt Melissa (who is more like a sister to me) just had her second child, Kelcie. I'm excited to see both of them. My cousin Chrissy just found out that she's expecting her second child, so it's an overall exciting time in my family.
I'm still debating what to get my family members for their birthdays, but I need to figure it out soon, especially mom's, so if anyone has ideas please send them my way! The older I get, the harder it is to shop for my family members, but mom is probably the easiest. She loves to read, especially Stephen King and Dean Koontz, so it makes my life a lot easier when one of them publishes a new book. I'll have to look into that for her birthday. I don't want it to be expected though, considering that Eric and I got her Dean Koontz books for Christmas, but if it comes down to it, I'll resort to the books.
Dad and Randy are harder because when they see something they want, they usually go out and get it, whereas mom is more like me and tends not to buy things for herself. I genuinely have no idea what to get dad or Randy, so those two may come down to the wire.
Either way, I welcome the windy month into my life. It's been a long time March, welcome back.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
In the heat of the moment
We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment from time to time, but it's important to note that just because it was in the heat of the moment does not excuse it.
It's human nature that when someone says something that angers or demeans you that you turn around and say something equally hateful and demeaning to feel vindicated. Many times, what we say is actually even more demeaning and hateful than what was said to us, and usually we're lashing out at someone we know fairly well, someone whose secrets and vulnerabilities we know. In this scenario it becomes all too easy to really hurt someone in the heat of the moment.
"I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment" is not a valid excuse, no matter how true the explanation may be. Even if both members of the argument were responsible for the level to which the argument escalated, or even if you think the other person is the one who caused the argument to escalate (trust me, both people are usually responsible), what you do is still on you. Sometimes we learn these things the hard way and we may end up losing someone very near and dear to us.
While it's true that the people who love you will forgive you for many of your shortcomings and mistakes, there are some things that can't be taken back; some things cut deeper than others and take a long time to heal. What we say in the heat of the moment is often what we know will cut the deepest and we generally regret saying it as soon as it comes out of our mouths, but then it's too late.
Hurting someone who hurt you might seem like a good idea at the time, but if you stop to think about why it hurt so much, you may realize it is because you care so deeply for the person and what they said really struck a chord with you. Do you really want to hurt these people? Do you really want to push them away with what you say?
Holding back and not retaliating is often easier said than done, but it's worth it in the end. Just remember that what the other person said may not be what they actually feel and may be a mistake of their own. That does not warrant retaliation, but understanding. The people most capable of hurting you are the ones who love you the most and you never know what they may be struggling with in their own lives and thoughts.
If you do end up saying something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean and that hurts someone deeply, nothing you can say is going to make the pain go away immediately. No matter how sorry you are, the person you hurt has every right to be upset, and he or she will be for a while. Apologize sincerely.
Often times people make apologies because they feel obligated, but these apologies aren't sincere and it's just as evident to the person on the receiving end as it is to you. If you expect to be forgiven, you have to be sincere in your apologies. This may seem like common sense, but you would be surprised at how many people, probably including you and I know including me, who back up an apology with an excuse. It is very important that you remember: a sincere apology does not make excuses because it is a concession that what you did or said was wrong and hurtful and that you would like to make up for it.
Making excuses shows that you aren't sorry for what you did, you're just sorry that what you did upset the other person. Apologize for what you actually did and people will find it much easier to accept your apology and move on from the situation.
Not everyone wants to hear an apology right away. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give someone space and time to cool down before you start apologizing. This will ensure that the other person does not blow up at you mid-apology, causing you to retract your apology and do something even more hurtful than you did in the first place. Once everyone has cooled down and realizes how much they regret the entire situation, the apologies and forgiveness will both come more easily.
As I said, some of us--most of us--learn the hard way, and we may not even learn after the first several times. The important thing is that we learn before it is too late.
Love always.
It's human nature that when someone says something that angers or demeans you that you turn around and say something equally hateful and demeaning to feel vindicated. Many times, what we say is actually even more demeaning and hateful than what was said to us, and usually we're lashing out at someone we know fairly well, someone whose secrets and vulnerabilities we know. In this scenario it becomes all too easy to really hurt someone in the heat of the moment.
"I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment" is not a valid excuse, no matter how true the explanation may be. Even if both members of the argument were responsible for the level to which the argument escalated, or even if you think the other person is the one who caused the argument to escalate (trust me, both people are usually responsible), what you do is still on you. Sometimes we learn these things the hard way and we may end up losing someone very near and dear to us.
While it's true that the people who love you will forgive you for many of your shortcomings and mistakes, there are some things that can't be taken back; some things cut deeper than others and take a long time to heal. What we say in the heat of the moment is often what we know will cut the deepest and we generally regret saying it as soon as it comes out of our mouths, but then it's too late.
Hurting someone who hurt you might seem like a good idea at the time, but if you stop to think about why it hurt so much, you may realize it is because you care so deeply for the person and what they said really struck a chord with you. Do you really want to hurt these people? Do you really want to push them away with what you say?
Holding back and not retaliating is often easier said than done, but it's worth it in the end. Just remember that what the other person said may not be what they actually feel and may be a mistake of their own. That does not warrant retaliation, but understanding. The people most capable of hurting you are the ones who love you the most and you never know what they may be struggling with in their own lives and thoughts.
If you do end up saying something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean and that hurts someone deeply, nothing you can say is going to make the pain go away immediately. No matter how sorry you are, the person you hurt has every right to be upset, and he or she will be for a while. Apologize sincerely.
Often times people make apologies because they feel obligated, but these apologies aren't sincere and it's just as evident to the person on the receiving end as it is to you. If you expect to be forgiven, you have to be sincere in your apologies. This may seem like common sense, but you would be surprised at how many people, probably including you and I know including me, who back up an apology with an excuse. It is very important that you remember: a sincere apology does not make excuses because it is a concession that what you did or said was wrong and hurtful and that you would like to make up for it.
Making excuses shows that you aren't sorry for what you did, you're just sorry that what you did upset the other person. Apologize for what you actually did and people will find it much easier to accept your apology and move on from the situation.
Not everyone wants to hear an apology right away. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give someone space and time to cool down before you start apologizing. This will ensure that the other person does not blow up at you mid-apology, causing you to retract your apology and do something even more hurtful than you did in the first place. Once everyone has cooled down and realizes how much they regret the entire situation, the apologies and forgiveness will both come more easily.
As I said, some of us--most of us--learn the hard way, and we may not even learn after the first several times. The important thing is that we learn before it is too late.
Love always.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tests...
From a very young age they become a huge part of our lives. In elementary school they determine if we pass. They decide if we can drive. They decide if we're "good enough" for what we want to achieve.
SATs for college, GRE for grad school. LSATs, MCATs, GMATs.
It feels like our lives depend on them. Then all of a sudden, they do.
Cardiac Stress tests, VAP tests, Pap smears, mammograms, PSA tests.
We spend most of our lives dreading tests--they can make or break us. Some are important, most aren't, at least in the long run and the grand scheme of what really matters in life. Worse than the test is waiting for the results, and sometimes getting the results is the hardest. But we have to take them. They open doorways. The door they open is not always where we want to be going, but we have to at least know what's behind them.
The worst is yet to come, but so is the best. Buckle up.
Tests...
SATs for college, GRE for grad school. LSATs, MCATs, GMATs.
It feels like our lives depend on them. Then all of a sudden, they do.
Cardiac Stress tests, VAP tests, Pap smears, mammograms, PSA tests.
We spend most of our lives dreading tests--they can make or break us. Some are important, most aren't, at least in the long run and the grand scheme of what really matters in life. Worse than the test is waiting for the results, and sometimes getting the results is the hardest. But we have to take them. They open doorways. The door they open is not always where we want to be going, but we have to at least know what's behind them.
The worst is yet to come, but so is the best. Buckle up.
Tests...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Motorola Krzr through Verizon is a piece of junk.
This is just a warning to anyone with Verizon who is contemplating getting (or who has already purchased) a Motorola Krzr (K1M through Verizon).
Some very unfortunate problems began to arise with my phone a few months ago, first my phone would freeze occasionally, with the screen turning white and the phone becoming entirely unfunctional, but it only happened once or twice and I removed the battery and replaced it and everything worked smoothly.
My battery, however, also started to drain very quickly and it has never been wet. I had planned on getting a new battery from the Verizon store back in NC while I'm home, but then things got a lot worse.
Today, it started freezing and resetting itself every 2-3 minutes. Before it would freeze, it would say NO SERVICE. It's been on a constant cycle ever since.
The interesting thing is that if I catch it before it freezes, I can make a call and stay on the phone until the battery dies. The problem is, ever since this started happening, my battery won't hold a charge. Today my phone was off until 11:30 a.m. I turned it on at 11:30 but did not use it until 12:30. When I turned it on it had a full charge, but by 1 p.m., while I was on the phone, the battery completely died.
Also interesting is that while I'm on the phone it tells me that I have a new picture message, but when I check it, there's nothing there.
The biggest problem? My phone is not even a year old. Another interesting tidbit, if you google Krzr freezing, you find a TON of websites with people on forums describing exactly what I just described. So I called Verizon.
The guy on the other end didn't seem to believe me that there were forums filled with people having this same exact problem and said he would send me another Krzr. Turns out Verizon will not give you a different model free of charge until your THIRD shitty phone. Wow. So this guy has me update my software, reactivate my phone, the whole nine yards, all the while telling me that he'll still send me a backup phone so that if this doesn't work I can get my number switched and, even if it does work, I'll have a backup in the future.
I updated the phone 2 minutes ago (literally) and it hasn't frozen yet, but I'm not counting it out for a while longer. Regardless, he's still sending me the new phone, period. He even tried to convince me to DOWNGRADE to a cheaper phone that I would be eligible to get free in July, even though it's not my new every 2. Sadly, I would probably be better off with a cheaper phone that spent more time in testing and isn't full of problems. This phone has always been slow and had problems functioning, but this absolutely takes the cake.
My advice? Don't get a Krzr unless you don't mind having to get a replacement mailed to you within a year. All of the others who posted had their phones ranging from 4-9 months, so it seems almost inevitable if you have the phone long enough. If you DO get a Krzr, make sure it has the most up to date software on it, so that you're sure it has gone through adequate testing. I will never buy a phone fresh off the assembly line again. I got the Krzr because I loved the way it looked and I wanted it as soon as I could get my new every 2, but that was a big mistake. I wish now that I had let Motorola work all of the bugs out (if Motorola is capable of that) before I got it.
Now obviously this isn't going to happen to every Krzr out there, or even every K1M through Verizon, but the number of people complaining about it is enough for me to question the phones as a whole. You may get the phone (or have the phone) and never have a single problem out of it. But if you do start having these sorts of problems, don't say I didn't warn you.
Some very unfortunate problems began to arise with my phone a few months ago, first my phone would freeze occasionally, with the screen turning white and the phone becoming entirely unfunctional, but it only happened once or twice and I removed the battery and replaced it and everything worked smoothly.
My battery, however, also started to drain very quickly and it has never been wet. I had planned on getting a new battery from the Verizon store back in NC while I'm home, but then things got a lot worse.
Today, it started freezing and resetting itself every 2-3 minutes. Before it would freeze, it would say NO SERVICE. It's been on a constant cycle ever since.
The interesting thing is that if I catch it before it freezes, I can make a call and stay on the phone until the battery dies. The problem is, ever since this started happening, my battery won't hold a charge. Today my phone was off until 11:30 a.m. I turned it on at 11:30 but did not use it until 12:30. When I turned it on it had a full charge, but by 1 p.m., while I was on the phone, the battery completely died.
Also interesting is that while I'm on the phone it tells me that I have a new picture message, but when I check it, there's nothing there.
The biggest problem? My phone is not even a year old. Another interesting tidbit, if you google Krzr freezing, you find a TON of websites with people on forums describing exactly what I just described. So I called Verizon.
The guy on the other end didn't seem to believe me that there were forums filled with people having this same exact problem and said he would send me another Krzr. Turns out Verizon will not give you a different model free of charge until your THIRD shitty phone. Wow. So this guy has me update my software, reactivate my phone, the whole nine yards, all the while telling me that he'll still send me a backup phone so that if this doesn't work I can get my number switched and, even if it does work, I'll have a backup in the future.
I updated the phone 2 minutes ago (literally) and it hasn't frozen yet, but I'm not counting it out for a while longer. Regardless, he's still sending me the new phone, period. He even tried to convince me to DOWNGRADE to a cheaper phone that I would be eligible to get free in July, even though it's not my new every 2. Sadly, I would probably be better off with a cheaper phone that spent more time in testing and isn't full of problems. This phone has always been slow and had problems functioning, but this absolutely takes the cake.
My advice? Don't get a Krzr unless you don't mind having to get a replacement mailed to you within a year. All of the others who posted had their phones ranging from 4-9 months, so it seems almost inevitable if you have the phone long enough. If you DO get a Krzr, make sure it has the most up to date software on it, so that you're sure it has gone through adequate testing. I will never buy a phone fresh off the assembly line again. I got the Krzr because I loved the way it looked and I wanted it as soon as I could get my new every 2, but that was a big mistake. I wish now that I had let Motorola work all of the bugs out (if Motorola is capable of that) before I got it.
Now obviously this isn't going to happen to every Krzr out there, or even every K1M through Verizon, but the number of people complaining about it is enough for me to question the phones as a whole. You may get the phone (or have the phone) and never have a single problem out of it. But if you do start having these sorts of problems, don't say I didn't warn you.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Vaginas and Valentine's Day
It's been a long time, but things have been really hectic.
Vagina Monologues had its two day run, opening night on Valentine's Day, and it was a success! I had so much fun being in the performance and people seemed to really love the show. Some were a bit uncomfortable with a few of the pieces, but that's sort of what the show is designed to do.
Friday night's performance was packed with energy. For some reason the audience was even more responsive on the second night and things seemed to go a lot more smoothly. Even though it was a huge relief to be done with the show, I feel like something is missing in my life. I really miss the girls that were in the show and I'm looking forward to our cast party in a few weeks. :-)
Vagina Monologues had its two day run, opening night on Valentine's Day, and it was a success! I had so much fun being in the performance and people seemed to really love the show. Some were a bit uncomfortable with a few of the pieces, but that's sort of what the show is designed to do.
Friday night's performance was packed with energy. For some reason the audience was even more responsive on the second night and things seemed to go a lot more smoothly. Even though it was a huge relief to be done with the show, I feel like something is missing in my life. I really miss the girls that were in the show and I'm looking forward to our cast party in a few weeks. :-)
When I got back to my dorm tonight, I immedately had a meeting to go to/run. The bell's desk lottery meeting was tonight, so Salvador and I had to lottery out shifts and lay down the new rules/obligations for the bell's desk. The complete lack of respect the employees have been giving the job finally went too far and I sort of snapped. So this semester, rules are going to be enforced and people who do not follow the rules will be fired, period. It feels good to lay down the law and have support from PGP.
So now it's back to the routine. Class tomorrow from 8:30-12:30 and then work from 2-5 and a lab meeting at 5:30. It's going to be such a long day. Hopefully the rest of this week will fly by and I'll get to relax a bit more this weekend.
Keep your fingers crossed!
So now it's back to the routine. Class tomorrow from 8:30-12:30 and then work from 2-5 and a lab meeting at 5:30. It's going to be such a long day. Hopefully the rest of this week will fly by and I'll get to relax a bit more this weekend.
Keep your fingers crossed!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Loss of a brand new life
A friend of mine just lost her child and I can't imagine for a second what she's going through. I've had friends in the past who have dealt with miscarriages and I know it must be hard, but to give birth to a child, hold his hand, and then lose him must make one feel utterly betrayed by God. Even though the baby did not live long, it is so obvious the love my friend had for him and I know that eventually her love for him will get her through it. She has a great support network around her, including the man she loves who is feeling the same pain, as he has lost a child as well. They'll get through it together. I wish them all the luck in the world. It is not going to happen quickly, but the pain will ease with time and I hope that she can continue to be the energetic, bubbly, and outgoing person I remember her being in high school. Nothing changes a person like the loss of someone close, particularly the loss of someone with whom you have developed a bond like a mother does with her child.
No words can begin to offer the comfort I want to offer, but trust that my heart is with you during this time.
No words can begin to offer the comfort I want to offer, but trust that my heart is with you during this time.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Recap
So from the time of my last post until now, I've been either too busy to post or didn't really have anything worthwhile to say.
My birthday was on the 19th and, while it was fun, things didn't turn out exactly the way they were supposed to. Fire and Ice was really packed and there isn't really a place there for a group to sit in the first place, so we had to sit in two separate groups. Eric, Victoria, Zac and me sat at one table, with Jonah, his girlfriend, Brad, Rosalia, Oke, and Salvador at another table (nearby, but not close enough for us to really communicate with them).
Afterward, even though it was Saturday night and there weren't any exams until Tuesday, no one wanted to go out to celebrate. It was really disheartening because a few people had already agreed to go out and celebrate with a few drinks, but Eric and I just went instead. Matt came and met up with us at Uno's for a few drinks, and Zac and Jonathon stopped by a little after that.
I also made my first trip to Grendel's Den. It wasn't as great as everyone makes it out to be, but I wouldn't mind going again sometime. Over all, I think Uno's was my favorite in terms of the environment of the bar. It wasn't too crowded and they had sports on several televisions, which I loved.
Classes started today, but I had an appointment and couldn't make it to my one Wednesday class, so I'll just have to get the syllabus from someone who went. I have class tomorrow as well, but I'm not sure about one of the classes I was going to take. I may end up not taking it after all, in which case there is no need for me to wake up so early (the class starts at 8:30), instead I can just go to the other Thursday class I'm planning to take at 10. I'm still debating it though. I may end up going to the class tomorrow to see if I'll like it, but not take it in the long run.
Luckily I don't have classes on Fridays, so I'll be able to relax .It will be nice to not have class. I do have a meeting on Friday about lab work this semester, so I'll be able to plan that out as well. I'll be working in the H. lab in the psych department this semester, researching depression with JA. I am really looking forward to it.
I'm also starting work at the Law School again, calling alumni. I did it my freshman and sophomore years, but I didn't do it last semester. Now that the hours for the bell's desk have been cut again, I really need the money, so I'm starting again next week.
I moved into my new room before intercession and Eric helped me unpack yesterday. It's not entirely clean yet, but I needed to take a break for a little while. I'm having a hard time getting motivated to do it. There's just so much stuff. I had no idea that I owned so much, but when I try to get rid of some of it, I just can't.
Time to get back to the treasure hunt.
My birthday was on the 19th and, while it was fun, things didn't turn out exactly the way they were supposed to. Fire and Ice was really packed and there isn't really a place there for a group to sit in the first place, so we had to sit in two separate groups. Eric, Victoria, Zac and me sat at one table, with Jonah, his girlfriend, Brad, Rosalia, Oke, and Salvador at another table (nearby, but not close enough for us to really communicate with them).
Afterward, even though it was Saturday night and there weren't any exams until Tuesday, no one wanted to go out to celebrate. It was really disheartening because a few people had already agreed to go out and celebrate with a few drinks, but Eric and I just went instead. Matt came and met up with us at Uno's for a few drinks, and Zac and Jonathon stopped by a little after that.
I also made my first trip to Grendel's Den. It wasn't as great as everyone makes it out to be, but I wouldn't mind going again sometime. Over all, I think Uno's was my favorite in terms of the environment of the bar. It wasn't too crowded and they had sports on several televisions, which I loved.
Classes started today, but I had an appointment and couldn't make it to my one Wednesday class, so I'll just have to get the syllabus from someone who went. I have class tomorrow as well, but I'm not sure about one of the classes I was going to take. I may end up not taking it after all, in which case there is no need for me to wake up so early (the class starts at 8:30), instead I can just go to the other Thursday class I'm planning to take at 10. I'm still debating it though. I may end up going to the class tomorrow to see if I'll like it, but not take it in the long run.
Luckily I don't have classes on Fridays, so I'll be able to relax .It will be nice to not have class. I do have a meeting on Friday about lab work this semester, so I'll be able to plan that out as well. I'll be working in the H. lab in the psych department this semester, researching depression with JA. I am really looking forward to it.
I'm also starting work at the Law School again, calling alumni. I did it my freshman and sophomore years, but I didn't do it last semester. Now that the hours for the bell's desk have been cut again, I really need the money, so I'm starting again next week.
I moved into my new room before intercession and Eric helped me unpack yesterday. It's not entirely clean yet, but I needed to take a break for a little while. I'm having a hard time getting motivated to do it. There's just so much stuff. I had no idea that I owned so much, but when I try to get rid of some of it, I just can't.
Time to get back to the treasure hunt.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Another fresh start
My two hardest exams are over (Yay!) and I'm feeling pretty good about life right now.
Tonight I'm going to a "sleepover" in the Gilbert Solarium. Basically it's going to be a bunch of people watching 80s and 90s movies, goofing off, and having an all around good time--Middle School style! I won't be able to stay the whole night because I need to start studying for my last exam, which is Saturday, but it should be fun for the time that I'm there.
Before that, however, I have rehearsal for the chorus of Vagina Monologues at 8. Hopefully it won't last too long, but we'll see. I just hope that everyone gets there on time and that this is a quick run-through of each of our parts with more extensive rehearsals AFTER break. I could really just use some time to myself tonight.
Speaking of time to myself, I'm moving into a new room next semester. Actually, the moving is happening next week, on the 24th. I'm not switching houses, just towers within this house. Instead of living on the 2nd floor of Bingham, I'll be living on the 1st floor of Gilbert. The part about time to myself? I'll be living in a single with my own bathroom. It's going to be nice. It'll also be convenient because practically all of my friends in Currier live in Gilbert, so I'll be that much closer to them. While it's definitely going to be a bit of a pain to move all of my stuff, it's going to be worth it in the end.
That's basically it for now, though I'm sure I'll think of something later. I'll probably just save it for after the sleepover though, because I'm sure there will be plenty to say about it.
Goodnight!
Tonight I'm going to a "sleepover" in the Gilbert Solarium. Basically it's going to be a bunch of people watching 80s and 90s movies, goofing off, and having an all around good time--Middle School style! I won't be able to stay the whole night because I need to start studying for my last exam, which is Saturday, but it should be fun for the time that I'm there.
Before that, however, I have rehearsal for the chorus of Vagina Monologues at 8. Hopefully it won't last too long, but we'll see. I just hope that everyone gets there on time and that this is a quick run-through of each of our parts with more extensive rehearsals AFTER break. I could really just use some time to myself tonight.
Speaking of time to myself, I'm moving into a new room next semester. Actually, the moving is happening next week, on the 24th. I'm not switching houses, just towers within this house. Instead of living on the 2nd floor of Bingham, I'll be living on the 1st floor of Gilbert. The part about time to myself? I'll be living in a single with my own bathroom. It's going to be nice. It'll also be convenient because practically all of my friends in Currier live in Gilbert, so I'll be that much closer to them. While it's definitely going to be a bit of a pain to move all of my stuff, it's going to be worth it in the end.
That's basically it for now, though I'm sure I'll think of something later. I'll probably just save it for after the sleepover though, because I'm sure there will be plenty to say about it.
Goodnight!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Another break?
So I didn't end up going to the movie (too much work), but it was sold out anyway, so now I don't feel so bad, except for the people who went all the way to Harvard Square, just to be disappointed; sorry guys.
Tomorrow is my final exam for abnormal psych, and I'm feeling fairly prepared. After looking over my various study guides and glancing back over the lecture slides, nothing stands out as particularly frightening, which I take as a very good sign. Let's just hope that I'm still feeling that way tomorrow at 5:15 p.m. At that point, ask me again about abnormal psych.
Tuesday I have an exam for MCB 52--Molecular Biology. This is an exam that I am frightened about, but I'll just focus more on it tomorrow. I went to a review session today which helped to put things in to perspective, even if just a little bit. It will be nice to have those two exams over so that I can relax a little bit before my third exam on my birthday, Madness and Medicine.
Right now I should be studying, but several hours of nothing but studying has left me in desperate need of a break, so I'm breaking. Breaking my rhythm is more like it, but whatever, it's a risk I'm willing to take for a bit of piece of mind.
I did, however, go to see Children of Eden last night, which was co-directed by one of my dearest friends in the world. He is an excellent actor and now a bona-fide director. I couldn't be happier for him. The show was excellent and I could tell he was both relieved and very proud of himself, both of which he deserved. Directing a play can really take a toll on a person, but after seeing the performance, I know that he must be feeling like it was his baby and now it's all grown up and making him proud.
On a different note, it is supposed to snow tomorrow. When I say snow, I mean really snow. We're supposed to get between 6 and 8 inches of total accumulation by tomorrow night, and I get the opportunity to trek through it to my exam. At least by Wednesday or Thursday I'll have the chance to actually enjoy it.
Time to get back to studying. Break over.
Tomorrow is my final exam for abnormal psych, and I'm feeling fairly prepared. After looking over my various study guides and glancing back over the lecture slides, nothing stands out as particularly frightening, which I take as a very good sign. Let's just hope that I'm still feeling that way tomorrow at 5:15 p.m. At that point, ask me again about abnormal psych.
Tuesday I have an exam for MCB 52--Molecular Biology. This is an exam that I am frightened about, but I'll just focus more on it tomorrow. I went to a review session today which helped to put things in to perspective, even if just a little bit. It will be nice to have those two exams over so that I can relax a little bit before my third exam on my birthday, Madness and Medicine.
Right now I should be studying, but several hours of nothing but studying has left me in desperate need of a break, so I'm breaking. Breaking my rhythm is more like it, but whatever, it's a risk I'm willing to take for a bit of piece of mind.
I did, however, go to see Children of Eden last night, which was co-directed by one of my dearest friends in the world. He is an excellent actor and now a bona-fide director. I couldn't be happier for him. The show was excellent and I could tell he was both relieved and very proud of himself, both of which he deserved. Directing a play can really take a toll on a person, but after seeing the performance, I know that he must be feeling like it was his baby and now it's all grown up and making him proud.
On a different note, it is supposed to snow tomorrow. When I say snow, I mean really snow. We're supposed to get between 6 and 8 inches of total accumulation by tomorrow night, and I get the opportunity to trek through it to my exam. At least by Wednesday or Thursday I'll have the chance to actually enjoy it.
Time to get back to studying. Break over.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Procrastination...or maybe just a break from work.
While I should be working on my contribution to the abnormal psych final exam study guide, I'm procrastinating...big surprise. Perhaps my New Year's Resolution should have been to find ways to stop procrastinating, but I would have just put that off too.
All of my papers are finally finished and I'm fairly pleased with how they all turned out. Granted, if I had started them sooner and spent more time on each of them they would have probably turned out better, but there's only so much you can do when you have a lot of work hanging over your head. You can't please everyone, right?
I'm really looking forward to my birthday, though it's become quite obvious that my friends have changed drastically over the last few months. The people who were at my 20th birthday are for the most part not going to be anywhere nearby for my 21st birthday. Most of them don't even talk to me anymore, largely because they have found a much cooler group of people to hang out with now. But whatever, I have the people I need in my life, and they'll be there.
The Vagina Monologues are coming up fairly soon (weekend of Valentine's Day) and I'm getting kind of excited. My part is not a big one, but it will be nice to do something other than work for a change. I'm really looking forward to it.
I'm also really looking forward to intercession, which is approaching much more rapidly than the Vagina Monologues, but not quite quickly enough (I'm really ready for exams to be over). My last exam is on the morning of my birthday, so as of noon next Saturday, not only will I be celebrating my birthday, I'll be done with Harvard and those responsibilities until February. It's going to be nice having some time off. The only responsibility I have is a rehearsal for Vagina Monologues on January 23rd. It would be nice to just kind of get away from it all, even if it's just for a few hours.
Well, time to get back to work. Wouldn't want to procrastinate for too long, I'm supposed to go the movies with Emily at 9:30 tonight.
I'll be back later, probably with an update about said movie.
All of my papers are finally finished and I'm fairly pleased with how they all turned out. Granted, if I had started them sooner and spent more time on each of them they would have probably turned out better, but there's only so much you can do when you have a lot of work hanging over your head. You can't please everyone, right?
I'm really looking forward to my birthday, though it's become quite obvious that my friends have changed drastically over the last few months. The people who were at my 20th birthday are for the most part not going to be anywhere nearby for my 21st birthday. Most of them don't even talk to me anymore, largely because they have found a much cooler group of people to hang out with now. But whatever, I have the people I need in my life, and they'll be there.
The Vagina Monologues are coming up fairly soon (weekend of Valentine's Day) and I'm getting kind of excited. My part is not a big one, but it will be nice to do something other than work for a change. I'm really looking forward to it.
I'm also really looking forward to intercession, which is approaching much more rapidly than the Vagina Monologues, but not quite quickly enough (I'm really ready for exams to be over). My last exam is on the morning of my birthday, so as of noon next Saturday, not only will I be celebrating my birthday, I'll be done with Harvard and those responsibilities until February. It's going to be nice having some time off. The only responsibility I have is a rehearsal for Vagina Monologues on January 23rd. It would be nice to just kind of get away from it all, even if it's just for a few hours.
Well, time to get back to work. Wouldn't want to procrastinate for too long, I'm supposed to go the movies with Emily at 9:30 tonight.
I'll be back later, probably with an update about said movie.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Resolutions
So what if it's only been a few minutes since my last entry! I need to write down my New Year's Resolutions...not that they'll stick, but cross your fingers.
- Start a blog and keep up with it (so far so good)
- Adopt healthy eating habits (going fairly strong)
- Exercise more (starting yoga on Monday nights)
- Stress less (we'll see)
- De-clutter my life (I did well in NC, MA isn't going so well)
- Finish what I start (unless of course it is a confrontation)
Cottage cheese, lost jewelry, and a whole lot of papers
Whoa! What was up with that last post? Hopefully that's the last "thoughtful rambling" I do for a while. But who knows, it might happen again very soon.
I'm not an incredibly picky eater, but I tend to stick to what most would consider "normal" foods. The interesting thing about my food habits is how they have changed since I was very young. Unlike most kids who won't touch spinach and can't stand the thought of brussel sprouts, I liked both as a child, and still enjoy both, though brussel sprouts on a much rarer occasion. One thing that I have always loved (at least as long as I can remember) and that I could still sit and eat a whole container of, is cottage cheese, and when I was younger, people thought that was weird. Now that I'm older, it's normal to like cottage cheese, but very few kids will eat it, probably because it resembles white brains...well doesn't it? Regardless, cottage cheese is one of my favorites, thankfully the low fat version is fairly healthy, especially if it is paired with a fruit like grapes for a snack.
Onto more grim matters. When I was flying back from North Carolina to Boston last Thursday, some unknown member of the TSA (security at the airport) went through my checked luggage without leaving a notice, and unlawfully took two pieces of my jewelry. It was obvious that my bag had been ruffled through as items were rearranged and the buckle was fastened to a different notch than the one to which I had fastened it (I'm a little OCD when I pack), the most telling evidence was the empty cardboard box (one of the small ones designed for jewelry) that had previously contained a pair of earrings my mother got me for Christmas and a very beautiful pendant that Eric got me for Christmas. Although the earrings weren't expensive and the pendant is not altogether impossible to replace, the sentiments behind the pendant meant the world to me. Eric even had the pendant custom engraved and set with a garnet (my birthstone). So to the person who took my pentacle pendant, I hope you enjoy it.
And finally, papers. It's reading period at Harvard, which means that I'm writing papers, and plenty of them. I have a 15 page lab report due tomorrow, two papers due Friday--one for Abnormal Psych and one for Madness and Medicine. In addition to those three glorious papers, I have three exams next week, one Monday, one Tuesday, and one Saturday--my birthday. Either the set of papers or the set of exams wouldn't be so bad alone, but having both on my shoulders is exhausting. With the two papers due Friday, I'm not sure how I'm going to have the time to study for my exams on Monday and Tuesday, but I'm sure I'll manage. The light at the end of the tunnel is my birthday celebration on Saturday night. I'll be free from exams and papers, and I'll be 21.
Perhaps my next entry will be a bit about myself for anyone who happens to chance across my blog. Until then, I guess you'll just have to wonder.
I'm not an incredibly picky eater, but I tend to stick to what most would consider "normal" foods. The interesting thing about my food habits is how they have changed since I was very young. Unlike most kids who won't touch spinach and can't stand the thought of brussel sprouts, I liked both as a child, and still enjoy both, though brussel sprouts on a much rarer occasion. One thing that I have always loved (at least as long as I can remember) and that I could still sit and eat a whole container of, is cottage cheese, and when I was younger, people thought that was weird. Now that I'm older, it's normal to like cottage cheese, but very few kids will eat it, probably because it resembles white brains...well doesn't it? Regardless, cottage cheese is one of my favorites, thankfully the low fat version is fairly healthy, especially if it is paired with a fruit like grapes for a snack.
Onto more grim matters. When I was flying back from North Carolina to Boston last Thursday, some unknown member of the TSA (security at the airport) went through my checked luggage without leaving a notice, and unlawfully took two pieces of my jewelry. It was obvious that my bag had been ruffled through as items were rearranged and the buckle was fastened to a different notch than the one to which I had fastened it (I'm a little OCD when I pack), the most telling evidence was the empty cardboard box (one of the small ones designed for jewelry) that had previously contained a pair of earrings my mother got me for Christmas and a very beautiful pendant that Eric got me for Christmas. Although the earrings weren't expensive and the pendant is not altogether impossible to replace, the sentiments behind the pendant meant the world to me. Eric even had the pendant custom engraved and set with a garnet (my birthstone). So to the person who took my pentacle pendant, I hope you enjoy it.
And finally, papers. It's reading period at Harvard, which means that I'm writing papers, and plenty of them. I have a 15 page lab report due tomorrow, two papers due Friday--one for Abnormal Psych and one for Madness and Medicine. In addition to those three glorious papers, I have three exams next week, one Monday, one Tuesday, and one Saturday--my birthday. Either the set of papers or the set of exams wouldn't be so bad alone, but having both on my shoulders is exhausting. With the two papers due Friday, I'm not sure how I'm going to have the time to study for my exams on Monday and Tuesday, but I'm sure I'll manage. The light at the end of the tunnel is my birthday celebration on Saturday night. I'll be free from exams and papers, and I'll be 21.
Perhaps my next entry will be a bit about myself for anyone who happens to chance across my blog. Until then, I guess you'll just have to wonder.
Absolution granted
The new year is a time for change, a time for celebration, and a time for forgiveness.
It is not about forgiving those who have caused you pain and misery in the past, that's something that takes more than just a resolution. The new year is about absolution for the things you have done, whether in the past year, or in your entire lifetime.
Absolution should indeed be absolute. Forgive yourself completely for your shortcomings before you can turn over a new leaf and start anew.
Easier said than done.
What is easy? Sitting back and judging other people. That is why we are so good at it. Humans are good at the easy things that make us vicious and callous, but we are also good at the things that strictly contradict our sometimes-torpid, sometimes-cruel actions.
Welcome to the world in which we live--you never really know who you can trust, so you better learn to trust yourself--quick.
It is not about forgiving those who have caused you pain and misery in the past, that's something that takes more than just a resolution. The new year is about absolution for the things you have done, whether in the past year, or in your entire lifetime.
Absolution should indeed be absolute. Forgive yourself completely for your shortcomings before you can turn over a new leaf and start anew.
Easier said than done.
What is easy? Sitting back and judging other people. That is why we are so good at it. Humans are good at the easy things that make us vicious and callous, but we are also good at the things that strictly contradict our sometimes-torpid, sometimes-cruel actions.
Welcome to the world in which we live--you never really know who you can trust, so you better learn to trust yourself--quick.
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