Okay, obviously still slacking on the December posts and it will only get worse when I go to North Carolina. The chances of me having something really worthwhile to blog about (or the patience to deal with my parents' super slow computer) are unlikely. Maybe this is the part where I should enable email blogging so that if something really worthwhile happens, I can just update from my phone without character limitations. Something to ponder...
Justina has agreed to take me to the airport Thursday morning, so I'm super excited! This means I can actually bring a checked bag and avoid the ridiculous cab fare! Thank you so much, Justina!
Tomorrow at work is a half day because we're having our company holiday party at Kings (and I love me some bowling!) at 2, so we're leaving the office at 1:30. Also, for the party, casual wear was approved, which means I'll get to wear jeans to work on my last day before vacation. Basically that means that I don't have to wash work clothes tonight when I do laundry. Anytime I can avoid laundry, that's a good thing.
My flight is at 7:30 on Thursday and then I have a short layover in Newark. I'll get to Asheville around 12:30, at which point I'm attempting to convince my dad to take me to Target. I really don't want to have to drive back to Asheville unless I absolutely have to (or unless I'm going out with friends), so it would be nice to get my Christmas shopping squared away from the get-go.
Then, on Friday, I'm sleeping in!!! I'm so excited about this part of my trip. It's only first thing in the morning as I'm turning off my alarm at 6:30 to get ready for work that I realize just how excited I really am about sleeping in. I'll likely only sleep in on that first day, but it's still going to be really sweet.
I'm also really excited to see all of the little ones! I can't wait to see my niece, Haylee, especially. She's just over two years old and I can't get over how cute she is! :-)
I'm still bummed I'm going to miss the Love in Stockholm show on Thursday night, but I've been advised that the January 1 show I'm going to is going to be better anyway, haha. Hey, I'll take it, even if it's not true. Something tells me that this Thursday, with Sam in town, is going to be freaking amazing. That's alright though, I'll live. :-) Hopefully I'll be doing something super fun...
Feels like I've really been slacking on the December posts. That's probably because I was working so hard on my abstract for WCBCT that I wasn't really thinking about the other things happening in my life.
That said:
LOVE IN STOCKHOLM WAS AMAZING LAST NIGHT!
Glad that's out there. I had such a fun time last night. I knew that I was really into their music and their style thanks to their myspace page, but seeing them live was 10x better. Not only do they sound amazing live, their energy is unmatched by any local band I've seen (not to mention unmatched by most big time performers). It was the most carefree fun I've had in a long time. There's just something about their sound that gets me going.
These guys are definitely going somewhere. I'm so glad I know about them now so I can see them before tickets to a show cost $100 each for balcony. :-) I can't wait until the next show!!!
In 8 days, I will be in North Carolina, attempting to find Christmas presents for everyone in my family.
:-)
I'm so looking forward to the mountains and waterfalls (yes, I'm planning a trip up to Highlands). The weather in the NC mountains around the holidays can be so hit-or-miss. Sometimes the high is in the 30s while I'm there, sometimes it is in the 60s. I'm really hoping for it to be on the colder side this year, as I'd like to get some pictures of the waterfalls in their frozen-over form. If that doesn't work though, I'll be just as happy.
I can't wait to drive! Yes, that's the main thing I'm looking forward to. I plan to drive all over the place while I'm home. :-) It's the little things in life. Granted, by the time I start week 2 at home, I'm sure I'll be wishing I could just get on a bus to go somewhere (especially late at night when maybe I (ahem) shouldn't be driving). Guess I'll have to find a chauffeur for those moments. :-)
I'm not particularly looking forward to paying the dentist out the wazoo to clean my teeth, but oh well. Just one of those things that has to be done and it will be cheaper for me to do it while I'm in NC than while I'm in MA.
And I just completely ignored this post for two hours. Oops.
I got my Secret Snowflake gift at work today! It's something I've actually really wanted for a long time, so I'm super excited about it! I got a tear-off "This Day in History" calendar!!! :-)
I hate emotional exhaustion because it takes so much more out of me than any amount of physical exhaustion ever could. Part of that is because I put so much of myself, emotionally, into almost everything I do.
I'm so glad I didn't get married when I was 19 like my ex fiance and I planned when I was 17. Not only would I not have been ready for that, I had no idea what I wanted. Okay, no idea isn't fair. I can see parts of him in almost all of the guys I've dated since. I obviously had some idea (provided that those parts aren't what keep causing these things to fail, hahahahaha). But seriously, it's a refining process, and I just have to stick it out.
This year for Thanksgiving, I didn't go back to my hometown in North Carolina to spend it with my family. This isn't the first time I've opted to stay in MA, but the experience was very different from the previous two times I stayed.
My freshman year I stayed and cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my entryway-mates who also stayed behind. Sophomore year I went home to NC on the Amtrak (20 hours each way, it was brutal). Junior year I stayed in MA, but spent it with Eric's (dysfunctional) family. I say that in the nicest way possible. All of us are dysfunctional in some way. Then last year I went home to North Carolina, but only because we knew my grandmother didn't have much longer to live and I wanted to see her one last time. It was good that I went because she passed away only a couple of weeks after Thanksgiving.
This year my friend Janice and I spent Thanksgiving with our mutual friend Patti's parents in Wenham, MA. It was a different experience for me because it was the first time I've ever drank at Thanksgiving. No one in my family drinks so until this year I was unaware that it was normal to have wine with Thanksgiving dinner. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for it, it was just different.
I've also never had a Thanksgiving dinner that included appetizers earlier in the day (which were eaten alongside champagne, by the way) and then the dinner itself served on nice dishes with fine silverware. It was quite the change from my previous Thanksgivings and, while very enjoyable and unforgettable, I look forward to hopefully being able to spend next Thanksgiving with my family in North Carolina.
During the break between dinner and dessert, Patti took Janice and me to her family's beach house in Ipswich and we "hiked" along the beach, in Janice's words. It was high tide, so the sandbar was covered, and all that was left of the beach were large rocks and small boulders, which we climbed over on our walk. It was definitely not my average Thanksgiving activity, but variety is the spice of life.
It's been a really rough couple of days. Don't get me wrong, things could definitely be worse, but I'm just not feeling it right now.
It has been almost a year since my grandmother passed away, but I never really grieved properly. It has been just over a month since my Aunt Linda passed away, and I was very close to her, but still I didn't grieve properly when she passed.
It's all hitting me now. Then there's the grieving for missed opportunities, mistakes made, the unknown.
I should be grateful that I've held up as well as I have this far. I've grown so much in the last year, more than I ever thought I would. It's amazing what can happen when you get out of a toxic relationship. I've had bumps along the way where I've regressed, but they've been fairly few and far between.
That said, I'm coming to a point where I feel like big decisions are about to greet me and I need to meet them head on. Before I can do that though, I need to come to grips with the decisions and obstacles I'm already facing, not the least of which are obstacles at work and prepping for grad school.
I have a lot to think about and work through and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm doing it all on my own.
For a while I had my head above water, which was largely thanks to a few specific people. I've all but lost one entirely and another is moving in two months. I can feel myself starting to slip under, I can see the warning signs. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but if I don't do something soon it has the potential to get much worse.
I'll be fine and I know that, I just wish I had someone to remind me every once in a while.
Last night the girls took a drive down for Carol's friend's birthday and we had a blast! We started out at a little dive called Wild Colonial and then drove over to Jerky's to listen to some band. I don't even know where to even go in explaining the night, so I'll just direct all attention to the photos on facebook. Namely, those of "random drunk Derick" as this gentleman is tagged in Carol's photos or "Derek?" as he is tagged in my photos.
Dude was druuuuuunk, but so much fun! He told all sorts of lies that I was able to catch him in, so it was just all around a really hilarious conversation. I'm fairly certain his name isn't actually Derek, but it's not like it really matters.
He had a couple of buddies who kept selling him out on his lies, which was the best part. I love drunk people, just so long as I'm not too sober to appreciate it.
After we dropped Janice off at home (she was the furthest gone of all of us), Carol, Patti and I went to IHOP, which was just what I needed at 3 a.m. or whatever time it was. I also saw Keenan there, which was beautifully random. :-)
All in all a very successful night to cap off a very successful weekend. It's been a while since I've had a weekend that was this much fun.
This whole having girlfriends bit is so new to me, but I'm really enjoying it so far.
I have no idea why I waited this long to do laundry. I didn't even realize I had this much dirty laundry at all until I sorted it all out! My day off just became far less enjoyable. :-(
Granted, that enormous pile includes sheets and towels, which don't have to be done right away, but that's still a lot of clothes, regardless.
What's worse is that it's not even really a day off. Starting at 3:30 I'll have to make several phone calls for work. Eh, whatever, they only last like 5 minutes and it's not like I'm doing much else.
Let's be honest, what was I doing before I sorted laundry? Playing Farmville. Oh yeah, really making the most of my day off. I guess I needed a relaxing day off work where I'm not lying in bed in pain or coughing, but I still feel like I've been entirely unproductive. There's always the weekend, I suppose.
How long do you have to have something before you miss it when it's gone?
The emotion of regret plays a huge role into missing someone or something. I've been thinking about what it really means to miss something and I can only think of people or experiences that also make me feel some level of regret. Either I regret not saying something before a loved on passed away or I regret not handling a situation slightly differently to make things turn out differently. Even when it comes down to situations that were nothing but good, what makes you miss them? Regret that they're gone.
But what makes something worth missing? At what point do you start to regret losing someone or something?
It starts with appreciation. It revolves around appreciation. Once you appreciate something, you're at risk of regretting if you lose it. Maybe that's why sometimes we put up a wall and hesitate to truly appreciate people, things and situations. If you don't appreciate something, it hurts a lot less if you lose it. Once you let yourself appreciate it, you're bound to miss it, even if the something, or someone, has only been in your life for a short time.
As much as regret sucks, and as much as it hurts to miss something or someone, it's so worth it when you find something, or someone, truly worthy of your appreciation.
For me, there's almost nothing worse than not knowing; I just don't have patience. It could be just about anything, something completely random and trivial, but if I don't know the answer, I'm frustrated.
Imagine how much worse it is when the question isn't trivial--when there's actually something riding on it.
Sometimes though, I think that maybe it's not that I don't know, but more that I don't like the answer very much and I think that if I wait long enough, maybe the answer will change. It's worked a couple of times, but only a couple.
How many more times does it have to not work before I get the picture?
Someday I'm going to meet a man who will be sitting with me on the top of a roof with a bottle of red wine, wrapped in a blanket, during something like this:
Catching up at work after being sick is never fun. Neither is staying late to do assessments with families, especially when they don't pick up and you're stuck late at work for no reason.
One thing I'm really grateful to this job for is the clinical experience it has already given me. I got a disturbing series of text messages today from a friend of mine about his girlfriend, who was threatening to commit suicide and acting generally aggressive, verbally and physically. It didn't come to the point where I actually had to intervene at all, but I felt fairly calm throughout and just continued to ask questions. If this had happened a few months ago, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. I'm sure I would have asked some of the same questions, but it's unlikely that I would have been anywhere near as calm.
This job has actually taught me a lot about parenting as well. I listen to some of these kids talk about what they've been through, and I listen to the parents make excuses, and it's more obvious than ever what I shouldn't do when I have kids. It's not just the physical abuse, which is not something that would have ever happened with my kids, but just some of the verbal abuse I hear on a daily basis. Kids are resilient, but there's only so much they can take.
I went to watch football at Uno's today, but only made it through the first game before I was utterly exhausted. Clearly my body isn't totally recovered, but it was nice to get out of the house. The weather today was perfect! I was actually kind of glad that it took the bus forever to come by so that I could enjoy the sunshine and warm(er) weather. After the 1pm games I came home to take a nap, but by the time I waited on the 71 bus and then took it home, an hour had passed so I didn't get to nap until 5.
It was one of those disorienting deep-sleep naps where when you wake up you're not sure why it's dark outside, but your alarm is going off. :-) I needed it. My body is eternally grateful.
I was on the Uno's Harvard Square facebook page looking through their Halloween pictures and found a new picture of Jason and me, so I tagged us in it. It's a really good picture and I look so happy in it. That was a really fun night, for sure. I wish we had taken a picture of Jason with his grocery-bag baby because I realized that night that very little is funnier than a pregnant, gangsta devil.
Those words were said to me 11 days ago and I wasn't sure how to respond to them, so I just did the best I could with, "I'm not trying to define us."
I feel like most of the early interactions between two people who are interested in each other are tests, to an extent. How else are you going to feel each other out, determine worth and value? You want to be sure that the person is worth your time before you jump in and risk getting hurt. Still, is that really fair? Sure, we all do it, "Hmm, I wonder how he will react if I do this..." or "I wonder what she would say to that..." But is it really constructive at all? It leads to a whole lot of anxiety on both ends because you know if you're testing someone, they're probably testing you, and if they're not, you have a lot of undue stress.
Relationships are silly, intimate or otherwise. We do it as friends too, though not as much as we did it in middle school when every girl tried out three-way calling to see if their friend was a back-stabber. That's the most brutal test of them all because no matter how you answer, you're betraying someone. That's the problem with these tests, there's no easy answer. There's no way to know for sure what the other person really wants you to say. Sometimes experience is enough to at least guide you a bit, but whoever said 'honesty is the best policy' had clearly never been in a relationship.
That last sentence right there goes against everything I have stood for and anyone who reads it will probably doubt that it came from me, but bear with me. I don't for a second encourage or condone lying, especially in intimate relationships where trust has to be built and fostered, but what I've learned (despite my lack of a filter) is that sometimes you have to just feel out a situation and say what you think the other person wants you to say, provided it isn't a gross departure from what you actually believe.
This goes back to the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But as humans in social situations, we can't always just hold our tongues entirely. Our faces tend to give us away if we're pondering something and denying that we have something to say when asked is almost as bad as saying something hurtful. Some people would be more than happy to accept your denial of opinion, but others will assume the worst. And here is where the 'anything nice to say' part comes into play.
For the purposes of this example, please assume M=Man and W=Woman, however I do not mean to insinuate that this situation only happens in heterosexual relationships or only in this direction.
W: Baby, does this dress make me look fat?
M (thinking): Oh god, this is a trick.
I know, this is the most cliche example around, but that's because it works. Now, whether the dress actually makes the woman look fat here, matters.
If it doesn't, but the man is afraid that saying "no" will seem too insincere, a good response is, "You look beautiful." Any stable woman is going to understand that as a compliment and not question it further. An unstable woman is another story altogether, but I can't help you there.
If it does make her look fat, DO NOT SAY THAT. There are much better ways to handle the situation. Again, tell her she's beautiful, that's key. Then, put the emphasis on why she's asking you about the dress. Does she feel uncomfortable in it? Does she think it makes her look fat?
W: Baby, does this dress make me look fat?
M: I think you look beautiful, as always, but what's up? Do you not like it? If you're going to be self-conscious in it, I'm sure we can find another one. I don't want you worrying about it throughout the night.
Okay, so maybe it sounds lame in writing, but it puts the emphasis on what she thinks of herself and what she'll be feeling when she wears the dress, plus it includes a compliment.
This doesn't just work in romantic relationships. I've seen one too many friends send another friend out in something atrocious because someone was afraid of hurting someone else's feelings. I'm guilty of this myself, but I've realized that you don't have to be mean to make someone realize they shouldn't be wearing what they have on. Chances are that if it's wildly inappropriate they've already second-guessed themselves. If they haven't second-guessed it, chances are that even being mean wouldn't have been enough to bring them around and then you've just pissed off your friend with nothing to show for it.
That said, how do you get back to what you really want to say?
Let's say that what you ended up saying wasn't all that far from what you really think, but it's still lacking something important that could come back to bite you later. Lying by omission. It's a sneaky little bugger. Figuring out when, if ever, you should broach the subject is very important.
There are also cases where you don't realize that what you said was off-base until later. Approaching that discrepancy may be more difficult than expected. You're likely to run into the dreaded response of, "But you said..." Okay, yes, I said it was fine; I was wrong. I changed my mind. Am I allowed to change my mind?
So do you approach the topic by first acknowledging what you said?
"Hey, remember a few weeks ago when I said...?"
Something tells me that isn't going to go over very well, especially if the other person has gotten used to your first response. If they didn't already expect you to bring this up, they're going to be completely blind-sided and likely defensive.
Two things to really think about before you begin:
1. Is it worth bringing up?
2. Why didn't you say it in the first place?
If it isn't worth bringing up, don't. There's no need to tell your friend, girlfriend, significant other that her/his attire wasn't flattering two weeks ago.
If it is worth bringing up, why didn't you say it the first time you had the chance? Was it just not the right time? Was the relationship too new? Had something already been said to make you worry about how your response would be received? These are all pretty common, it seems.
I'm almost certain it shouldn't go like this:
"Hey, remember the other day, when we were talking about the possibility of me being a rebound and how I didn't want to be a rebound? And remember how I was talking about all the things I didn't want to be and you said 'We can be whatever you want us to be' and I was really quick to say that I wasn't trying to define us? I like you, I really really do, and while I don't find it necessary to define us right now, I want to keep that possibility open in the future. I didn't realize it until your ex girlfriend starting posting on your facebook wall, but I really like spending time with you and I don't want to lose that. I guess some really lame girlie part of my is afraid that if we're undefined, you're more likely to slip away, to go back to her or someone else. I didn't mention all of this at the time because you had just finished telling me about how when you were with her she was always wanting you to change your facebook status to 'in a relationship' and how much that bugged you. I don't want you to think that's what I'm asking. I'm just asking who you are. When my friends as about you, who are you? Are you my friend? Because I don't stay up until 5am talking to just anyone and I don't kiss just anyone. I know you haven't had time to determine my worth, and I'm not asking you to drop everything (or anything!) for me, but I want to be more than friends, if you'll have me."
While I'm fairly certain that is how it shouldn't be done, I can't think of a better way to do it. Sometimes it isn't perfect and you just have to take it as it is. Sometimes, you just have to run with it.
Well, remember how I was certain this wasn't flu? I'm not so certain anymore. By the time I got home from work last night, my whole body was hurting. I took some medicine and tried to get in the bed early, but I was up most of the night in pain. At one point I woke myself up, yelling in my sleep. I was yelling, "It hurts! It hurts!" So yeah, I didn't exactly have a great night. Now, my skin hurts, which leads me to believe that I may have had a fever last night.
The worst thing right now is my head. It's hurting really bad and the medicine doesn't seem to be phasing it, which is concerning given how much acetaminophen is in the DayQuil I'm taking.
I feel really bad for missing work today because I was scheduled to do an assessment at 4pm, but not only would I have been worthless at work today, I might have spread this around. There's no way I could have gone to work in good conscience.
Guess today is going to consist of cycles of taking medicine and drinking water. What an exciting life!
Yesterday I was feeling a little sniffly, but didn't think much of it. By the time I got on the bus, I was coughing, but not much. It was one of those coughs that could have been triggered by anything, so I figured my throat was just dry from all of the talking earlier in the day.
By the time I woke up this morning, I felt miserable. I thought about not coming into work, but knew there would be a ton of work waiting when I came back, so I sucked it up and came into work. For the first few hours I was feeling much better. I attribute that to the coffee I had this morning. Ever since around 2pm though, I've been coughing pretty regularly and my throat isn't exactly feeling great.
That said, I need to get a flu shot, ASAP. I really don't think this is the flu. As a matter of fact, I'm certain it isn't, but now that my immune system is compromised, it's all downhill from here. I get sick every November and February, almost like clock work. The last time I didn't get a flu shot, my February illness was full-blown flu that had me at UHS for four days, during two of which I had an IV. No thank you; I have no desire for THAT to happen again.
Besides, I need to make sure I'm healthy for Thanksgiving. I won't be going home like I had hoped to be; I just can't afford it. Instead, I'm going to try to make a trip to NYC. I have a friend from middle/high school who lives there now, so hopefully I'll get a chance to see her if I do end up down there. At this stage it's very preliminary, but I'd love to get back there, especially for Thanksgiving. I've only been there once, and that was this past May, so I can't wait to have another opportunity there. :-) In the last couple of weeks I've told two different people about this place in Brooklyn where I had brunch in May and now I really want to go back, haha.
I hate staying late at work and it's even more miserable when I'm sick. I'm scheduled to do an assessment right now, but I'm talking to the child after a colleague talks to the parent and it's already been an hour. :-( I still have to do laundry when I get home. I knew I shouldn't have put it off! *sigh*
And now my BlackBerry is dying. Great. I haven't even had it on vibrate today and the battery is beeping at me. WTF? THIS IS A NEW BATTERY! :-( Sorry to have pissed you off, gods, please don't be angry with me anymore.
I go through some pretty distinct phases in the type of music I listen to. I can sometimes go long stretches without listening to a particular genre without even thinking about it, but when I go back to it, it's almost exclusively that genre for a while.
I'm on a rap/hip hop kick. It started when Emmy posted Petey Pablo on her facebook. Then there was a whole conversation with Jason that had me listening to Ludacris. Now all I've listened to on Pandora for three days is Ludacris radio. I can't help it! It's obviously just what I needed too, as I've only skipped two or three songs in that time.
I'm cutting all my hair off. Maybe not as short as freshman and sophomore year in college, but a lot of it nonetheless. I'm sick of it. I thought it would be shorter after Locks of Love than it ended up being, but I had a lot more hair than I thought. Next paycheck, it's coming off. I need a change, big time. Besides, it'll grow back. Watch me change my mind by next paycheck, haha.
Man my head is everywhere today. I can't even really finish a complete thought. I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. That was after not going to bed until 1. This crap is getting old.
I need to get things back in order, in more ways than one. Aaaaaand, break!
I had a great weekend overall, though I must say that it took on a slightly different form than I expected.
The Tron party was a lot of fun, but I wish I had actually followed up on the whole eating thing I mentioned during my last post. Never got around to that, which resulted in a much more intoxicated night than planned, but it all worked out.
Today has been kind of not so great, but I spent a long time talking to an old friend tonight who provided me with some useful advice. I feel better about the day and better about things in general. Some things are just not worth getting worked up over! :-)
Time for bed, I'm already going to regret staying up this late. Yes, I know it's only 11, I'm an old woman since starting my job, haha. :-)
I feel SO much better! I can't even really express how much better I feel because I didn't even realize how anxious I was until now that I'm no longer anxious.
I was finally able to fall back asleep and the sleep was a huge help. I'm not sure what that was, but I'm glad it's over and I hope it doesn't come back anytime soon.
Now that I'm feeling better, I'm so excited for the party tonight. I tried on my costume and wig together and, while the wig isn't exactly right given that it's 80s pop star instead of Marilyn, it looks pretty great. Now I just need to go to CVS at some point and get some of the Dr. Scholl's inserts for high heels. The only shoes I have for tonight are going to be ridiculously painful otherwise.
I did, however, find out that there is a bus from Harvard Square to very near the party, so I'm not going to have to walk nearly as far as I thought (at least at the beginning of the night). The end of the night is another story as I'm sure I won't make it in time for the last bus to Harvard. I was only planning on taking my phone and my camera, but I'm starting to think that maybe I should take a bag with some extra shoes for the end of the night. The only concern is having somewhere to store it. Hmmm, I'll make that decision later.
The anxiety from this morning has had one lasting implication and that's my lack of eating. I still don't have a huge appetite, but I'm starting to feel a little more hungry so I'll eat soon. Not eating and then going out to party would be a very bad idea. :-) See? I'm responsible.
Time for food, shower, laundry, CVS and hopefully a few scary movies before the party!
For the first time in as long as I can actually remember, it seems as though the changes in my body pre-period are causing me to have severe anxiety.
I've always been a bit of a worrier, no doubt about that, but usually those worries don't cause my stomach to twist into knots or to wake me up at 7:15 on a Saturday. Still, here I am, feeling like I'm honestly going to vomit. Nope, not sick. Nope, not pregnant. Just severely anxious.
Today is Halloween, quite possibly my favorite holiday, yet I woke up and contemplated whether I really wanted to go out tonight. What is going on? I was feeling weird and blah yesterday too, but the anxiety wasn't quite this bad.
Yesterday I was hesitant to blame my mood on PMS, but today it seems to be the likely culprit, or at least a co-conspirator.
I've tried the deep breathing, stretching, and a few other things I thought might work, but they didn't. I'm sure that getting minimal sleep over the last week wasn't helpful, but the last time I felt like this was in high school when I used to occasionally (rarely) have anxiety attacks. That's how it felt when I woke up this morning.
Can I really attribute this to PMS? It seems like there must be something else going on because this hasn't happened in specific relation to my period before, at least not that I ever correlated in the past and I've been incredibly happy and relaxed lately to boot.
Maybe that's it. Maybe my body is going through some sort of withdrawal from the whirlwind of this last week. It was absolutely filled with adrenaline and maybe now that my body is coming down off of it, I'm feeling this intense anxiety. This is, it seems, exacerbated by my like of sleep and impending period.
But even if I've now narrowed down the cause, how do I fix it?
There's always the possibility that going out tonight will give me enough of an adrenaline rush to mask what I'm feeling now (provided that this really is due to a withdrawal from that feeling). Even so, that quite possibly means that tomorrow I'll feel like this again, maybe worse. If it's not a withdrawal from adrenaline, at least maybe going out will distract me from all of the things running through my head.
Tonight's plans aside, what can I do during the day today? I can't spend the day feeling like this. I would also really like to go back to sleep. That would be much easier if my heart wasn't racing.
It's so random because I had fun last night! I went to the Arsenal Mall after work and bought a wig for tonight, then went and had dinner and a martini. I was waiting on the bus to go home and change into a costume to go see Love in Stockholm, but then Chris proceeded to miss his bus and we decided to go see Saw VI. After going to Boston Common and realizing that the next showing wasn't until 11pm, we checked the showings at other theaters and went to Fresh Pond. The movie was better than the last one and I had a good time. So WTF?
I guess this just means more deep breathing throughout the day, more cognitive awareness, and going out and having fun tonight. I've been looking forward to this party for weeks, so there's no way I'm going to let something this stupid ruin it.
Why has that song been stuck in my head since Friday? :-\ That'll teach me to look up old cartoon intro songs at the end of the workday.
So I was late to work today, but that was because I stayed up way too late and overslept. It was worth it though. Sometimes you just have to do certain things, and this was one of them.
I'm having a difficult time finding a brain jello mold for my potluck dish tomorrow and I'm starting to get anxious. Louisa had the idea of using a colander, but the one at our apartment is too small to be a brain. Spirit Halloween in Watertown is sold out of them and apparently iParty doesn't have them at all. Several Yelpers suggested Brookline News and Gifts in Coolidge Corner, but I'm sure it will be more expensive than I'm willing to pay. I guess if it comes down to it, I'll just have to get creative and try to figure out a way to make something with a flat bottom, round. At least long enough for the mold to take shape.
I'm also having a difficult time figuring out how to convince my mother to get a facebook. I'm definitely in the minority with wanting my mother to get a facebook, but she's my best friend and it makes things difficult that she can't see pictures I want to show her unless I email them all to her. I'm even willing to set up her account for her and all she'd have to do is sign in every once in a while, lol. We'll see how this argument works with her.
Okay, so I just made a decision. I'm going to stop by Star Market and just pick up a larger colander after work. I'll need one in the future anyway. First, I'll line it with aluminum foil so the brain doesn't seep through, then I'll use pipe cleaners wrapped in aluminum foil to make the wrinkles in the brain. Fingers crossed this works out. :-)
Most people have a filter that protects them from saying things they shouldn't; this is a good thing. I do not have a filter; this is a bad thing.
Actually, I should clarify. This is not always a bad thing. Actually, this is often something on which I pride myself. Not having a filter for what I say, or at least not one so strict as those other people have, has in the past allowed me to really stay true to myself, albeit at the expense of a new friend at times. Still, there are times where the little filter I have ceases to function when it actually should. Whether that's because it's clogged with all the things I filtered the last time I spoke to a distant relative or just because something happened to make it fall out of place, I'm not sure. The one thing of which I am sure is that, in these instances, it's very bad.
What makes matters worse is that once I realize my minuscule filter isn't working properly, I try to backpedal and re-explain all of the nonsense I just let flow freely from my mouth. That never works. Trying to filter something that's already been said is worse than just saying it in the first place. Then, instead of owning what I said like I would under normal circumstances, I beat myself up. In these cases, no one wins.
Tonight was just such a case. I let one simple thing slip past my suddenly indiscriminate filter and there was no stopping the downward spiral.
Not everything needs the direction of a psychologist-in-training. This is a valuable lesson.
The only bad thing about an amazing weekend is that Monday is incredibly boring. I have a few things that need to get done, but none of them are quite stimulating enough for me to undertake. It's very unfortunate. I'm sure that after the RA meeting at 11 I'll get something done, but this morning has been largely a waste.
Sure, I entered some data and made a couple of calls, but I need something to counter the exhaustion I'm feeling. Yes, I took a nap yesterday and made it in the bed pretty early last night, but after two nights in a row staying up past 4am, it's still not enough. It was totally worth it though. :) I had the best weekend I've had in a long time, by far.
As boring as today has been so far, and as much as I want things to pick up just a bit, I hope that I don't get suddenly busy toward the end of the day. I'm really banking on getting out of here by 5 on the dot so that I can take the Green line down to Park Street and take a few pictures in Boston Common. I'm not sure how the leaves there looking, but the ones in Watertown are amazing right now, so I'm hoping to find something comparable in Boston. That's mostly just because I can't make it to Watertown before dark (thanks MBTA), but I'll be able to make it to the Common to get in some good pics.
So enough rambling.
I'm conflicted.
Anyone who knows me well knows my anti-drug stance. Those who know me even better know that I've lost several relatives and friends to drugs, both figuratively and literally, so it makes a bit of sense in my particular case. The dilemma I'm facing now, however, is that as I get older I meet more and more people who do drugs. People that I find myself really enjoying being around, some who I adore, but who in the past I would have written off, even just for smoking pot.
The first indication that I was going to have a problem with all this was with Matt, a guy I met in college, who is absolutely amazing. Wonderful guy, hard worker, reminds me of back home. A pot smoker. At first it really bothered me, but as time went on I became less and less convinced that it was something that should interfere with our friendship. So I decided to ignore it. I wasn't about to take part in it, but I could overlook it when it wasn't going on around me.
That was all well and good until my friends started experimenting with harder drugs. This is where my indirect past with drugs started to really affect the way I looked at the situation. Could I just stand by, continuing to be friends with people who were doing drugs that I had watched destroy the lives of many of my loved ones?
While these particular friends experimented with something new every weekend, more and more of my friends started smoking pot. Then, as could have been predicted if I had really thought about it, Massachusetts decriminalized Marijuana. No no, that's not accurate, Massachusetts residents voted to decriminalize Marijuana. What was I up against? Granted, not quite the same as legalization, but a step beyond where we were before nonetheless.
As someone who was against pot particularly because it was illegal (again, those who know me know that I'm quite law-abiding, almost to a fault), I was met with a new dilemma. If it becomes legal, then what?
So I really started to consider what it is about pot that I currently find so disturbing. After lots of research and even a class geared directly at how drugs work and what they do, I'm left with one main concern: reaction time. So is it really just that I'm concerned about people smoking pot and driving? If so, then is it worse than alcohol? Sure, pot "kills brain cells" (thank you, anti drug campaigns), but so does alcohol. If someone is smoking pot in their own home, with no intention of driving anywhere, what's the problem with it?
Genuine behavior.
How sure can I be that someone is behaving genuinely around me? I'm the type of person where sincerity and genuine behavior/emotions are incredibly important to me. If I meet someone right after they've smoked pot, how do I know they'll feel the same way about me when they're not high? Or vice versa for that matter. Because drugs tend to affect everyone at least a little differently, how do I determine this for each unique person I'm around?
Another big factor is that no matter how cool I am with someone else smoking pot on their own time, I don't want to be around it. That makes things difficult if I'm close friends with someone who smokes pot. How often are they going to smoke it? Will it become this situation where they're constantly trying to get me to do it? And what happens if they do decide they want to experiment with other stuff? Where's the breaking point?
These types of questions have led me to decide that I'm going to try to judge it on a case by case basis. I don't want to be around someone who is always high. If they're high every once in a while, fine, but I just can't be around someone knowing that it's always in some level of an altered state.
The next step for me then is to determine how I feel about past drug use and the potential for future drug use. If I meet someone who occasionally smokes pot, and I've determined that I'm okay with that, how do I feel about knowing that they've done other drugs in the past and wouldn't be opposed to doing some of them again? It depends on the drug. That sounds like a cop out, but for me it depends on potential of addiction and health hazards. Drugs that are low on both of those are far more acceptable than something like opiates. Where it gets tricky is when someone can't give me a cut and dry answer about their future drug use. If the person already has mixed feelings about highly addictive, potentially hazardous, hard drugs, I don't think I'd be able to deal with it.
I guess what it boils down to is that if a person has a history of drug use, but it has been more than a year or two since they last did anything other than pot, and they can give me a definite answer that they have no intention of ever using cocaine, heroine, meth or any of the variations of these in the future, I can be okay with that. Even still, I'm conflicted because it's easy to say something if you know it's what the other person wants to hear, but I'm trying to be open. I'm trying not to discount any potential friendships or relationships because of past behaviors. Lord knows I've done things in the past I'm not particularly proud of.
I guess I can be okay with pot, and maybe a select few other things, provided that it's occasional, doesn't impact my interactions with that person, and I'm not being pushed into doing it.
Well, I've changed my mind, at least for the time being.
Instead of getting a new apartment and having to pay first, last and security, I'm going to just stay where I am for now. Mostly because I'd likely have to move again in August regardless and that would be yet ANOTHER first, last and security. Instead, I'm going to try to save enough money to fly home for Thanksgiving and surprise my family. I'm not sure if I'll end up with enough money saved by that point, but fingers crossed I will. :)
Even if I don't, I can always use the extra money to pay on my bills and pay off some of my debt. I'd really like to totally pay off my American Express card and just get rid of it, but that's going to take a while.
My loans from Harvard also kick in on January 1, which is going to be just fantastic. Despite being at Harvard on financial aid, I ended up taking out loans to cover getting my new apartment and getting things settled for graduation. Unfortunately, that just adds another bill every month. It's fine though, I knew it was coming so I'll be able to plan for it. It just means going out a lot less, but that is probably a good thing in itself in the long run.
I decorated my office for Halloween this morning. It looks so great. I like having decorations in a small room because it makes the room look even more festive. I'm debating what to dress for at work this year. I already have my costume for Halloween night, but I put all of my other costumes out on my bed last night and am debating between my Mother Nature costume from freshman year and my red and black countess/ish dress from junior year. The problem I foresee with the red and black dress is that it has a hoop skirt and I don't want to bend it out of shape sitting all day. I'll most likely do the Mother Nature garb, but we'll see.
My Halloween festivities are kind of diverse anyway. Wednesday, the 28th, I'm going to Ladies' Night at Uno's in Harvard Square (to which I'm wearing my Dorothy costume), then work on the 30th and a local concert later that night. Then, on Halloween proper, I'm going to a party in Cambridge. To make things even more interesting, I'm on breakfast duty for the weekly RA breakfast, for which I'm bringing the ingredients to make pumpkin pancakes on Sara's electric griddle. That said, I'll need something that's fairly easy to walk in. Yep, seems like Mother nature is the winner, unless there are new developments before then.
Well, I should get back to work. Lunch break is now officially over.
It came to my attention that I haven't actually updated my blog since I had my appendectomy in February. Oops.
So a lot has happened since February. That tends to happen over the course of 8 months, so it shouldn't be too shocking.
The biggest development, of course, is my graduation from Harvard. Commencement was on June 4, my parents left for NC on June 6, and I started my new job on June 8. I didn't really give myself much of a break and I'm paying for it now. That has been my big problem historically as well, I rush into things without giving myself time to really weigh all of the options.
Which brings me to my next point. My apartment is miserable. Yes, the rent is amazing, but the location is abysmal. Today I left my apartment at 7:35 and got to work at 9:15--late. At which point one of my colleagues sympathetically offered to tell me that she didn't even wake up until after 8. Wow. Add to that I hate one of my roommates, who likes to treat the rest of us like children. I'm working on finding a new place now, but I'll also have to find someone to take over my lease, unless of course I want to pay a fee for breaking mine. The main things I'm looking for in the apartment are a good location (on the 39, 66, or Green Line) for my commute, laundry on site or very nearby, sharing a kitchen with only one other person, living with someone who is under 28, less than $650/mo. and (this is negotiable) that cats are allowed. I have other, smaller preferences, but those are the biggest for right now. My current apartment is only $500/mo., but I just can't take living there much longer. I'd much prefer to be out ASAP.
Now back to my job. I'm currently working as a Research Assistant in a child clinical psychology lab at the Judge Baker Children's Center. Sometimes it's a bit stressful and I work far more hours than I would like, but overall I love the job. I'm really enjoying the opportunity to work in research and to be doing so in such a way that I get clinical experience. I've learned a lot in the four months that I have been here and I'm sure I'll continue to learn during my full time here. I'll be working here for the next two years and then applying to grad schools. That said, I need to schedule the GRE very soon. I keep putting it off, but I really can't do that anymore.
I've also been frequenting Uno's a lot lately. I had stopped going for a long time and then in June started going again. Whereas Travis used to be the only real bartender I knew by name, the whole bar tending staff is amazing now. I have, perhaps sadly, become a regular. :-) It has paid off though; I've met a lot of great people that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I may actually be working with one of the servers from Uno's soon actually, as she graduated with me from Harvard with a psych degree (though I never met her before Uno's) and she's looking for a job at JBCC. She is supposed to have an interview either later this week or early next week, so I have my fingers crossed for her.
I'll also be going to the Halloween party of a few of the Uno's staff this year. I'm really excited about it and am really struggling with a costume choice. Only a few weeks left!
Another thing that has happened only since my appendectomy is my weight loss journey. It's sort of at a stand still right now, but between February and May I lost 20 pounds. I haven't gained any back, but I haven't lost any more, so I'm kicking things up a notch. Granted, it would probably help if I didn't go to Uno's for a beer during the week or have Bloody Marys and nachos during football on Sunday, but I'm working on it. :-) I'm hoping to lose 20 more pounds by Christmas, but that may be a bit unreasonable. I want to set my goals high though so that even if I don't quite reach them I will still be going pretty far.
That's all for my general "I'm back" post. Hopefully now that I'm at a desk all day I can remember to update regularly, which will help avoid posts like this, which are a bit long and all over the place. Next time, I'll try to stick to one thought.
Well, it sure has been an exciting past two weeks, if you can call it that. Two weeks ago I was just fine, happy even. I was getting ready to sit down and watch the Super Bowl and things were pretty great. Fast forward to the end of the first quarter of the game and I was in a lot of pain. Out of nowhere the lower right side of my belly hurt. At first I thought it was just GI pain (I thought I had to go to the bathroom). So I had someone save my seat and went to the bathroom. Nothing, just more pain. So I tried to watch the game for a bit longer, but once again had to get up and leave. By the third time I had left and come back, I decided to just go up to my room and watch the game there. I barely made it. I took the elevator to the 5th floor, but couldn’t even stand up straight, much less walk normally. The pain was excruciating and getting worse by the minute. I turned on the television in my common room (my roommates were still in Mexico for intersession) and planned to lie on the couch. I soon realized, however, that I couldn’t even lie down. Stretching out straight put me in even more pain. I left the TV on and went to my bedroom, lying on my bed in the fetal position. This whole time I had been rubbing my belly, still thinking that this was some sort of easily resolved problem. At this point I thought I was badly constipated, but I had never felt pain like this in my life. Finally I accepted that something more serious was probably happening and called my mother. Half-joking I said, “I just hope it’s not my appendix, but I can’t remember which side it’s on.” So, my mother googled “appendicitis” and the symptoms she read to me were nearly word for word what I had been describing to her. Everything down to thinking that “If I could just go to the bathroom, I think it would help.” I hung up with her and went to Tripp’s room. I knocked on his door in tears and, when he answered, asked if he could “zip me” to UHS (he has a zipcar). None of the nearby cars were available though, so he started frantically looking for the on-call tutor phone number. He couldn’t find it, so I (fairly) calmly went back to my room (hunched over like an old lady) and found the number. I called the tutor and was informed that they are no longer around to drive students anywhere in their own cars (wtf?!) so she called for Harvard University Police Department to come get me. They were a pain about it because they just wanted me to wait for a shuttle, but it was finally explained to them that I couldn’t walk from the shuttle stop to UHS. At that point I went to get Frances who went to the hospital with me (the tutor stayed in case there were any other emergencies in the house). And so began my adventure.
Upon getting in the back of the police car, I managed to joke to Frances that “getting in the back of a police car crying probably isn’t good for my reputation,” but as we made the trip to UHS, I found myself completely unable to joke about anything. The ride was excruciating. Every bump felt like someone was trying to kill me. When I got to UHS, they basically just looked at me and were able to understand my level of pain. I was so happy that someone finally understood how much pain I was in. While I understand that Frances had no way of knowing how painful it was, it was frustrating that she didn’t get it. At UHS it’s nearly impossible to get “good” pain killers, but they almost immediately put me on morphine. Frances was shocked that they would do that, but then again she had no idea how much pain I was in. They then transferred me to Mt. Auburn hospital in the back of an ambulance (which I was highly resistant to). I had hoped I could avoid the ambulance situation altogether (I think I have a fear of dying en route to a hospital), and this ride was excruciating as well. I was strapped to the stretcher and every bump shook my whole body. On the positive side, the driver was super hot. Too bad I was incapacitated by pain and couldn’t pursue that one.
The EMT who rode in the back of the ambulance with me took care of the paperwork for my admittance to the ER at Mt. Auburn, so I was taken immediately to a little room. I was upset at the lack of a television (this was the first time I was missing the Super Bowl in six years!!!), but it wasn’t a real room, so understandable. The first thing they did, of course, was have me change into a hospital gown. The nurse on duty told me that I could leave my tank top and underwear on for the time-being, so I did. The second thing they did was give me a LOT more morphine. I was still feeling the pain through the morphine and can’t imagine how badly I would have been hurting if I wasn’t on any medication. Before they could do much of anything, they ran blood tests and a urine screen. The morphine was starting to help, and I was actually afraid that it meant I wasn’t in pain and that I had wasted an ambulance trip and admittance into the ER for nothing. I was afraid I would suddenly have a bowel movement, the pain would be gone, and the hospital staff would be pissed. That didn’t happen. The pain persisted and I could do nothing but lie there. All the while Frances was sitting in the room with me. Frances called my mother to tell her what was going on and then I had to call the tutor on call to get my insurance information. When I went to UHS, I honestly didn’t think I was going to be transported to another hospital, so I hadn’t thought to bring my wallet or anything.
Finally, a doctor came to see me and told me that there were two possibilities by the way I was describing the pain: I had either appendicitis or a torted ovary. I soon learned, however, that a torted ovary can be more life threatening than appendicitis (even though it too can be life threatening if the appendix bursts). The doctor was especially concerned about a torted ovary because most people presenting with appendicitis have felt bad for a few days before the pain started. Most people actually think they’re developing the flu. Not me, I had been just fine and dandy before the pain started. The doctor said that although I hadn’t felt bad, my bloodwork showed an increased white blood count, which indicated an infection, but that they were more concerned about the ovary. So the doctor said to me, “Your appendix can wait, your ovary can’t.” Oh god. So they scheduled me for an ultrasound. Frances, meanwhile, had to be on a radio show about boxing, so while I went for my ultrasound, she did her piece on the week before’s fight. Before the ultrasound they gave me more morphine, so I didn’t feel a whole lot, though I’ll admit it wasn’t exactly comfortable. Afterward, we had to wait for the results. The ultrasound was free and clear.
They wheeled me back to my room on the stretcher (sitting up in a wheelchair was too painful). Frances came back in a few minutes and they told her that she should probably just go home because we wouldn’t know for HOURS whether or not it was my appendix. Great. So Frances went home with my blessing and I continued to lie there, getting more morphine every couple of hours. They needed to run a CT scan, but first I had to drink contrast so that all of my organs would show up correctly on the scan. It was the most horrible tasting thing I’ve ever consumed. I LOVE bitter beer, but this stuff was bitter in a very bad way. Generally speaking the contrast takes 2 hours to activate, but after two hours I hadn’t started experiencing any of the normal side effects of the contrast (except nausea, but they had given me an injection for that previously), so they were afraid the contrast hadn’t made its way completely through my organs and they waited an extra hour. So, after what had become three hours later, they took me in for the CT scan. In addition to the contrast I had drank, they gave me an injection through my IV of another contrast. It was my first CT scan, so it was a little weird, but around 30 minutes later it was finished.
They sent me back to my room, again on the stretcher/hospital bed, and gave me more morphine for the pain. It was as bad as ever. About an hour later, around 4:45 a.m., the doctor came in to give me my results. Appendicitis, and the only option (obviously) was surgery. I was relieved to know it was appendicitis and was strangely not nervous at all about the surgery. I just wanted to let my mother know. First, I called the on-call tutor because I had planned on waiting to tell my mother when she woke up. But at around 5:20 I called and told her. She didn’t seem too worried, but I’m sure she was just trying to make sure I didn’t get nervous.
The anesthesiologist was the next person to come see me, aside from my regular nurses. He came in to have me sign the consent for anesthesia and said, “So they’re taking your gallbladder out this morning?” He wasn’t joking. I handled it pretty calmly, but sternly said, “My appendix,” to which the nurse reassured me, “Don’t worry, he’s just the anesthesiologist and won’t be cutting you open.” The anesthesiologist immediately started apologizing profusely, clearly mortified. I signed the consent form and the anesthesiologist left. Not long after that, two of the surgical nurses came in to talk to me. They had me sign more forms and take of all my jewelry. One of the nurses put my jewelry inside a rubber glove, tied it up, and put it in the bag with my clothes from the night before. I thought that was pretty inventive, though I’m sure they’ve done it many times before. They called the morning surgical team in early to take care of my surgery as soon as possible. I was told they were giving the doctors and nurses an hour to wake up, get ready and come in, so I had a while to wait. By the time all of the forms were taken care of, it was nearly time, so they wrapped me in a few blankets and rolled me to the OR. I made sure to tell the nurse to call my mother when the surgery was over, and she wrote it down. The very last thing I did before they took me to the OR was to sign the very last consent form. On the form it gave the name of the procedure which was listed as “Laparoscopic Appendectomy (with Open Appendectomy if Laparoscopic fails)”. Call me crazy, but as soon as I read it, I had a feeling the laparoscopic was going to fail. After I signed the form, they took me into the OR and started the anesthesia. The last thing I heard before passing out on the table was, “She has a shirt on!” I realized that I still had my tank top on from the night before. No one had bothered to make sure I only had my gown on. At that point though, I couldn’t even say anything in response. I passed out. It was around 6:30 a.m.
I woke up a little after 10 a.m. and the first thing the nurse said to me was, “I don’t know how you managed it, but you ended up in the OR with a shirt on”. It was reassuring to hear because I was beginning to think I had imagined hearing it in the OR. The next thing the nurse told me was that the laparoscopic procedure failed and they had to make a full incision, meaning they had to cut through my abdominal muscles and everything. Despite being a bit disappointed, I wasn’t surprised. I asked the nurse if the doctor had called my mother and she responded that it was in the doctor’s notes and he was usually good about it, so she was sure he had.
I was then transferred to a room to begin my recovery. For the next two hours I just laid around lethargically and then decided to call my mother. When I did, she was pretty frantic. Apparently, the doctor had neglected to call her and she couldn’t figure out why the surgery was taking 6 hours. Fail. She was incredibly happy to hear from me, clearly.
There isn’t a whole lot to say about the next 24 hours or so. My friend Julia came to visit and brought me magazines to read, which was really sweet. She said it wasn’t really a hospital stay without trashy magazines. At this point my cell phone was completely dead, so I paid the $15 to get phone access in my room. I was therefore able to call my parents, my brother, and anyone else who had expressed concern about me. I ended up needing a catheter by that night (which was terrible), but by the next day they were able to remove it. When I tried calling my mother the next day (Tuesday) the call wouldn’t go through. I talked to the lady at the front desk (they had me up and walking around the day of the surgery, so it wasn’t much of a problem to be walking around at this point) and she said that despite paying the $15, I never had access to long distance calls. She basically tried to tell me that the phone was incapable of dialing out and that there was no way I had been making calls. Considering I had been talking to my mother and various other people outside of the Boston area, I knew this was wrong. Either way, she gave me the number for the front desk and my mother was able to call that if she needed to speak with me.
I found out right after that, though, that they were planning on discharging me. Not to my dorm room, but to UHS inpatient care. At this point I was still on a LOT of pain medication and the doctors said that the anesthesia was still keeping my insides “asleep”, which is why I had been having problems going to the bathroom. It was wearing off though, so they saw fit to send me to UHS, but they kept me on the pain meds. So they called for an ambulance and shipped me back to Harvard. When I got there, the on-call tutor agreed to get my phone charger from my dorm room and bring it to UHS. I was so grateful to get back to my email and text messages. That evening Frances, Ashley, and Leo all came to visit me. Over the course of the next few days, I had more visitors as well, including Zac, Rosalia and Liz, my Resident Dean, and a girl I barely know, Paula. It was super sweet that she came to visit, especially, because she was concerned about me despite not knowing me very well and she brought me food! The TV at UHS was better than at Mt. Auburn because there is cable at UHS and only local stations at Mt. Auburn, but I quickly learned that daytime TV isn’t worth watching, only primetime. I spent my days largely chatting online (after Rosalia brought me my laptop) and playing Brick Breaker on my BlackBerry. Mostly though, I just slept thanks to the pain killers and stuff they were giving me. I did, however, realize that walking was not as easy as I had originally thought. It was mostly just that the anesthesia kept it from hurting. Once I got to UHS and had only the Vicodin to go on, the pain was much worse. It got better over the course of a few days, but it was not nearly as easy as I had hoped.
On Wednesday night the nurse took the dressing off of my incision and everyone was surprised to see that I didn’t have staples. Generally with an emergency appendectomy that turns into an open appendectomy, the doctor doesn’t take the time to suture the wound (as it takes a long time), but in my case, he had. My PCP at UHS was particularly pleased that he had taken the time to suture it and told me that it meant a better aesthetic result in the long run. Yay! J Taking the dressing off of the incision also meant I was able to take my first shower since the surgery. Double yay! Here is a picture of the incision that I took with my BlackBerry as soon as the dressing was removed.
The next few days were basically just rinse and repeat. Nothing too exciting happened (except for me breaking my Brick Breaker record). On Friday night I was informed that I would be being discharged on Saturday, provided that the doctor on call Saturday agreed after seeing me. She had a conference to attend Saturday morning, so she made her rounds earlier than most doctors do on a Saturday. This meant that I was ready to leave by 9 a.m. (showered, dressed, and ready to go). The shuttle didn’t actually pick me up until closer to 10 a.m., but I came home and took a nap. I had planned to catch up on some work and such, but walking just from the front door of my dorm up to my actual room (I obviously took the elevator) was nearly too much for me. I was incredibly fatigued. That night I took another picture of the incision just to show how much it had healed in the previous few days.
I was scheduled to see the surgeon on Wednesday, so I took another picture on Tuesday night (February 10). At this point the steristrips were still covering the incision (note that these are different from a dressing and were not removed to shower or anything).
As soon as I went in to see the surgeon on Wednesday morning, he took the steristrips off (I had been instructed to not pull on them and let them come off on their own, so I really wished I had just pulled them off after I realized it would have been okay). He told me that I was healing well, but that I would have to continue to take it easy for another week or so. During this time I had been taking the disabilities van to class and rehearsal (for Vagina Monologues), so I hadn’t been doing much walking anyway. He sent me on my way with instructions to not do any vigorous activity.
Luckily for me, The Vagina Monologues was performed without much movement and I was able to pull off being in the show. I was in quite a bit of pain throughout some of rehearsal, but opening night was actually the day after I saw the surgeon, so I didn’t have much to go at that point. I made it through the weekend without incident (even went to the movies to see Friday the 13th on Valentine’s Day, which was my first day really “out of the house” since the surgery, aside from class) and stopped using the disabilities van service as of Monday even though I technically have it until this Friday (the 20th).
Yesterday was the first day I was able to wear jeans since the surgery. I had been wearing stretchy pants and skirts, which kind of sucked considering it is cold and I hate wearing tights or stockings. It was so nice to wear jeans yesterday and I wasn’t in too much discomfort. Today, however, was a bit more uncomfortable, but I think that has a lot to do with the amount of walking I have been doing. Today, however, marks a week since I have seen the surgeon, so I’m pretty confident that the amount of walking I’ve been doing is okay. As a matter of fact, I’m super excited to get back to the gym and back to walking to class instead of taking the shuttle (which is different from the van services and all students can take it). For good measure, I’m including yet another picture of the incision. This will show how much it has healed in the last week. At this point it’s mostly just a scar, but I’ve been applying Mederma, so hopefully it will start to fade over time (I’ll add another pic once that starts visibly occurring).
So while my adventure may not be totally over, it most likely is. If anything were to happen at this point, it would probably signify that something was wrong. So now I just have to keep trucking along trying to catch up on school work. In the end it will all work out, I’m sure, but for now it’s a little hectic.
