Today I started learning how to knit and, let me tell you, it couldn't have come at a better time. I've spent the last few days wondering about several things, scratch that, worrying about several things. I've been at my wit's end for the last week about a lot of it and it finally came to a head yesterday and today.
I made a decision yesterday that was going to be quite the test of will, but the willpower was taken out of my hands with the decision of another individual involved. So I sit here, wondering whether to breathe a sigh of relief or be utterly insulted. I guess I feel a bit of both.
For the last few days, I knew what I was doing was going to result in pushing the other person away, and that was part of the allure. That's what I do; I push people away. So while part of me wanted desperately to stop doing what I was doing, I was always able to justify it. A combination of being upset over past events and being lost and confused about current events left me wanting to just be rid of the entire situation. It's just that now that it's not in my control, I feel hurt. I knew what the outcome would be, more or less, but it hurts more in reality than it did hypothetically.
I will say that I really appreciate getting a straightforward explanation for once. That's what I've been pushing for, some sort of communication, even if it's negative communication. I know that it's wrong that I see this as sort of a success because I effectively succeeded in pushing his buttons until he talked, but it does feel that way. At the same time, I know I screwed myself over big time and may have lost an opportunity for a good friend.
Here's where that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure that this person and I could have ever been friends. While there are things about him that I really like and appreciate, no one makes me feel like less of a person than he does. To him I'm not a human being, I'm a thing to be toyed with, I always have been, and you don't treat your friends like things, you treat them like people. The email I received just a few minutes ago is the first time he's treated me like a person since my freshman year, but even that had undertones of condescension and pretension.
So that's why I'm glad I can knit, otherwise I would be sitting here wringing my hands. Focusing on knitting gives both my mind and my hands a release that I need right now, as does writing, so here I am. As much as I've moved backward in my friendship with this person, I've moved forward as a person of my own, and no amount of condescension is going to change that.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Forgiveness
I just spent the last two hours talking to someone I thought I would never speak to again. No, it wasn't Eric. Regardless, what this has shown me is that maybe I'm becoming a more forgiving person. Then again, maybe I'm just being ultra naive and will end up very angry with myself in the long run. For now, I think I've made the right decision.
For the last two hours I had the first real conversation I've had with this person and it feels like, for the first time, I'm actually getting to know him. It feels like we will be able to have a friendship without all of the tension and drama that has always (apparently) existed in the past.
I forgive him, but I refuse to forget. That was my biggest mistake this go-around; I forgot who he is and has been the entire time I've known him. I let him continue to do whatever he wanted without any sense of consequence or repercussion. Because I know there's nothing I can do to change that about him, I have to keep him "at arm's length" (as he put it). And I suppose he's right, now that I think about it.
When I'm friends with someone, I care about them, male or female. I care about people, it's part of what makes me the person that I am. I care about nearly everyone I meet if I spend more than, say, two minutes with them. And after nearly three years of knowing this person (albeit sporadic) I care. So when this person decided to cut me out of his life entirely, it hurt. It hurt mostly because I let it happen and because I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I made assumptions about how much time changes people and I was wrong about them. Some things never change.
But after tonight, I'm willing to try something completely new. I'm willing to try a friendship in which I'm not completely trusting. I'm willing to try a friendship in which the past HAS to be forgotten. It's no secret that there IS a past, and no secret what the past holds, but it has to be ignored for this to work. So now we just have to try it.
For the first time in a month, I feel like things are finally starting to look up. I was getting so tired of looking down.
For the last two hours I had the first real conversation I've had with this person and it feels like, for the first time, I'm actually getting to know him. It feels like we will be able to have a friendship without all of the tension and drama that has always (apparently) existed in the past.
I forgive him, but I refuse to forget. That was my biggest mistake this go-around; I forgot who he is and has been the entire time I've known him. I let him continue to do whatever he wanted without any sense of consequence or repercussion. Because I know there's nothing I can do to change that about him, I have to keep him "at arm's length" (as he put it). And I suppose he's right, now that I think about it.
When I'm friends with someone, I care about them, male or female. I care about people, it's part of what makes me the person that I am. I care about nearly everyone I meet if I spend more than, say, two minutes with them. And after nearly three years of knowing this person (albeit sporadic) I care. So when this person decided to cut me out of his life entirely, it hurt. It hurt mostly because I let it happen and because I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I made assumptions about how much time changes people and I was wrong about them. Some things never change.
But after tonight, I'm willing to try something completely new. I'm willing to try a friendship in which I'm not completely trusting. I'm willing to try a friendship in which the past HAS to be forgotten. It's no secret that there IS a past, and no secret what the past holds, but it has to be ignored for this to work. So now we just have to try it.
For the first time in a month, I feel like things are finally starting to look up. I was getting so tired of looking down.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
--er?
--ers are not evenly distributed. When I talk of --ers, I am talking about those people who are funnier, prettier, smarter than other people. The distribution, however, isn't really a distribution at all; the people who are --er are generally possessing more than one --er trait.
I'm sure I have some sort of --er trait, but it doesn't feel like it. At least none of the desirable --ers. I suppose you could say that anything can be an --er, but no one ever woefully looks at a person and says, "She's so much dumber than me, why can't I be like that?" Okay, so almost never, and those who DO say it are definitely the --er in that case anyway.
I feel like everyone I meet at Harvard is some sort of --er, and not all of them are smarter than others, there are a lot of --ers around here. It seems that Harvard is a place where the --ers are finally distributed, but somehow I missed out again.
Okay, so if I think about it really hard, I know I have some desirable --ers. I know there are people that I "trump" in a lot of ways, but in the dating world, it doesn't feel that way. The guys who are interested in me are interested in me for the wrong reasons. And then I find the ultimate --er. Better. You find the one who is actually better than all of the others you've met, at least so far, and you wonder what it is you can do to get him. Well, you have to be --er too. At least one of those desirable --er traits has to be yours. Otherwise, why would he want you? If there are --ers in his life that you don't trump, you'll never be his choice for beauty or brains or humor.
The quote about love not being about finding the perfect person but seeing a person perfectly sort of fits in here. After all, you don't have to be everyone's --er to be HIS --er. Right? The most important thing is to FEEL like you're his --er. As long as you're looking at his hot ex girlfriends or hearing about his hilarious best friend (who happens to be female), you won't feel like the --er. It's important, I've realized, to understand that just because he thinks his friend is funny, or just because other people think his ex is pretty, doesn't mean you're not the --er.
So even if it sometimes feels like the --ers in life aren't evenly distributed, it's because the --ers rarely feel like the --ers. We all want to be the --er, but we're all terrified that we fall behind everyone else.
I suggest making a list of your --ers. No one is THE --er. No one can be better than everyone, it doesn't work like that. But make a list of the things that make you an above average --er. I may not be hilarious, but I'm funnier than the average Harvard student. People here are seriously lacking in the humor department. I also may not have the most friends at Harvard, but I'm friendlier than just about everyone I meet. I don't buy my friends over and I don't lie to get friends, but I'm super friendly to everyone. I have my --ers. Everyone does. Time to get out there and show him what --ers you're made of! ;-)
I'm sure I have some sort of --er trait, but it doesn't feel like it. At least none of the desirable --ers. I suppose you could say that anything can be an --er, but no one ever woefully looks at a person and says, "She's so much dumber than me, why can't I be like that?" Okay, so almost never, and those who DO say it are definitely the --er in that case anyway.
I feel like everyone I meet at Harvard is some sort of --er, and not all of them are smarter than others, there are a lot of --ers around here. It seems that Harvard is a place where the --ers are finally distributed, but somehow I missed out again.
Okay, so if I think about it really hard, I know I have some desirable --ers. I know there are people that I "trump" in a lot of ways, but in the dating world, it doesn't feel that way. The guys who are interested in me are interested in me for the wrong reasons. And then I find the ultimate --er. Better. You find the one who is actually better than all of the others you've met, at least so far, and you wonder what it is you can do to get him. Well, you have to be --er too. At least one of those desirable --er traits has to be yours. Otherwise, why would he want you? If there are --ers in his life that you don't trump, you'll never be his choice for beauty or brains or humor.
The quote about love not being about finding the perfect person but seeing a person perfectly sort of fits in here. After all, you don't have to be everyone's --er to be HIS --er. Right? The most important thing is to FEEL like you're his --er. As long as you're looking at his hot ex girlfriends or hearing about his hilarious best friend (who happens to be female), you won't feel like the --er. It's important, I've realized, to understand that just because he thinks his friend is funny, or just because other people think his ex is pretty, doesn't mean you're not the --er.
So even if it sometimes feels like the --ers in life aren't evenly distributed, it's because the --ers rarely feel like the --ers. We all want to be the --er, but we're all terrified that we fall behind everyone else.
I suggest making a list of your --ers. No one is THE --er. No one can be better than everyone, it doesn't work like that. But make a list of the things that make you an above average --er. I may not be hilarious, but I'm funnier than the average Harvard student. People here are seriously lacking in the humor department. I also may not have the most friends at Harvard, but I'm friendlier than just about everyone I meet. I don't buy my friends over and I don't lie to get friends, but I'm super friendly to everyone. I have my --ers. Everyone does. Time to get out there and show him what --ers you're made of! ;-)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
This summer is mine
It's been an incredibly long time since I posted; work's been crazy and even though lots has been happening, there hasn't been a whole lot to actually write about. Okay, so there's been stuff to write about, I just can't put most of it into words, but here goes the first try:
Rachel and Phillip got married on June 22 and it was really great. It was weird seeing Rachel in a wedding dress, but the day was redeemed when she put on sneakers under her wedding dress at cocktail hour.
The Friday before the wedding, a group of us went out for a bachelorette party of sorts. It ended up just being Rachel, Laura, Jess, Ashley, Diana and me at Tequila Rain, but before we got there, Diana, Ashley, Spencer, Camille and I went to Popeye's for food. Yes, we went to Popeye's on the night of the bachelorette party without the bride to be. It's not our fault she was late and we were hungry. :-)
But regardless, Tequila Rain was a LOT of fun. Unfortunately, not many of my friends are get out and dance kind of people, so without this group (almost all of whom are recent graduates and will be moving away very soon) I don't know when the next time I can go out and dance will be.
June 30th was the Pearl Jam concert and it was AMAZING! I had such a good time and can't wait until the next show (this is sooner than I expected). Just two or three days after the show, which was the last one on the tour aside from a fundraising event in NY, the TenClub announced that Eddie Vedder is going on a solo tour starting in August, and his first two stops--August 1st and 2nd--are going to be in Boston! Fan club tickets go on sale tomorrow afternoon and I already got someone to cover my work shift for me on the 2nd, so I'm pumped and ready to go (too bad it's a month away). So what if I spend a large chunk of my money this summer on concerts? It's been so long since I let myself have fun and do the things I want to do that nothing is going to stop me from doing exactly THAT this summer.
Speaking of having fun and doing what I want to do...I'm going to the beach at some point this summer whether anyone wants to go with me or not! I work on weekends, which really sucks mind you, but I'm hoping that means that if I go to the beach on my days off (Tuesday or Wednesday) there won't be as many people there. No such luck because I've realized that most teenagers around here don't work full-time in the summer the way I did when I was in high school, so I'm sure it will still be packed. Regardless, I'm going to go--I need some sun and relaxation.
Oh, and speaking of relaxation and my need for it...I have another stomach ulcer. Yesterday it once again felt like some wild animal was trying to gnaw its way out of my stomach. I know, it's gross, but that's how it felt. It was hurting so bad that it stopped me from going out with Ashley and Rachel last night, which really sucks considering Rachel is leaving in a couple of weeks. But I'm back in the groove of taking my medicine before I eat and I'm working hard on letting go of all the bullshit I'm dealing with at work, which, let me tell you, is building up like you wouldn't believe.
Never in my life have I been treated so poorly by an employer. It's crazy because these are the same employers I had last summer and things weren't like this. I'm not sure what happened over the course of the last year, but something obviously did. These people that I loved working with and for last summer now make me want to get on a train and head back to North Carolina almost every day. I'm so sick of being treated like crap by the people who absolutely depend on me and the rest of the dorm staff to make the program work. We're the "hired help" on the bottom of the totem pole and they don't give a rat's ass about us. They treat us like lepers 90% of the time and then want us to kiss ass when they're around. I give everything I have to my job, but I'm not doing that anymore when all it's getting me is a whole lot of stress and scraps from the back of the kitchen (that's not even hyperbole). At this point, I'm going to invest just enough of me to get by with what I'm required to do and I'm going to do as much as I can to get a nice paycheck, but beyond that, I'm not investing myself in this. This summer is about ME and what I want to do.
Hopefully I won't be so invested in work once I meet with C.A. on Wednesday about doing some psych research with her this summer. My other research opportunity fell through and I was intially just going to put all of my time into this job, but it's all too obvious that isn't the right plan. So I'm meeting her for lunch on Wednesday and hopefully she's doing research on which she could use another hand/brain/set of eyes. I love C.A. and I'd love to get involved with her research even though it's not exactly the line of psych into which I want to get involved ultimately. Right now I just want to work in the field a bit so that I can show prospective grad schools that I can do the work and that I'm good at it. I'll probably only go in a couple of days a week (NOT on my days off, mind you). The good thing for me is that my dorm staff job is from 2:30-8:30 every day, so I can go do research at like 9 a.m. and then come to work at 2:30. Granted, this will put a lot on my plate, but it will also get me out of bed and doing something productive with myself. I'm looking forward to it.
Also, I've gone a few dates, though they've been nothing to write home about. Despite that, I've realized how much being single has affected my overall view of Boston. Now that I'm single I'm discovering a whole side of Boston that only previously existed for me in lore. All of the things I had hoped Boston would be are all there, I just couldn't see them before. Where I used to think that there was no way I'd ever stay in New England or a city, I'm starting to reconsider. I might even stay up this way for grad school, and maybe even beyond. We'll just have to see.
I've made a wonderful new friend named Janice. She moved here from Wisconsin less than a year ago so she still has that desire to explore that most of my friends have lost or never had. Now that I'm single and have that side of me back, I'm so excited to have someone to explore with. We've only hung out a few times, but each time we've done something/gone somewhere that I hadn't previously done/been and it's been a blast! Hmm...I doubt it's possible, but I wonder if I can talk her into taking off one Tuesday or Wednesday and going to the beach with me...I'll have to work on that.
I've been here a month and I leave in another month and a week, so I want to really get going on some of the stuff I'd been planning to do but for which I hadn't yet made time. It's time now. :-)I'm going to make the most of it.
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