Troubles be gone!

I feel SO much better! I can't even really express how much better I feel because I didn't even realize how anxious I was until now that I'm no longer anxious.

I was finally able to fall back asleep and the sleep was a huge help. I'm not sure what that was, but I'm glad it's over and I hope it doesn't come back anytime soon.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm so excited for the party tonight. I tried on my costume and wig together and, while the wig isn't exactly right given that it's 80s pop star instead of Marilyn, it looks pretty great. Now I just need to go to CVS at some point and get some of the Dr. Scholl's inserts for high heels. The only shoes I have for tonight are going to be ridiculously painful otherwise.

I did, however, find out that there is a bus from Harvard Square to very near the party, so I'm not going to have to walk nearly as far as I thought (at least at the beginning of the night). The end of the night is another story as I'm sure I won't make it in time for the last bus to Harvard. I was only planning on taking my phone and my camera, but I'm starting to think that maybe I should take a bag with some extra shoes for the end of the night. The only concern is having somewhere to store it. Hmmm, I'll make that decision later.

The anxiety from this morning has had one lasting implication and that's my lack of eating. I still don't have a huge appetite, but I'm starting to feel a little more hungry so I'll eat soon. Not eating and then going out to party would be a very bad idea. :-) See? I'm responsible.

Time for food, shower, laundry, CVS and hopefully a few scary movies before the party!

Happy Halloween!!!!

"Tonight's gonna be a good night..."

For the first time in as long as I can actually remember, it seems as though the changes in my body pre-period are causing me to have severe anxiety.

I've always been a bit of a worrier, no doubt about that, but usually those worries don't cause my stomach to twist into knots or to wake me up at 7: 15 on a Saturday. Still, here I am, feeling like I'm honestly going to vomit. Nope, not sick. Nope, not pregnant. Just severely anxious.

Today is Halloween, quite possibly my favorite holiday, yet I woke up and contemplated whether I really wanted to go out tonight. What is going on? I was feeling weird and blah yesterday too, but the anxiety wasn't quite this bad.

Yesterday I was hesitant to blame my mood on PMS, but today it seems to be the likely culprit, or at least a co-conspirator.

I've tried the deep breathing, stretching, and a few other things I thought might work, but they didn't. I'm sure that getting minimal sleep over the last week wasn't helpful, but the last time I felt like this was in high school when I used to occasionally (rarely) have anxiety attacks. That's how it felt when I woke up this morning.

Can I really attribute this to PMS? It seems like there must be something else going on because this hasn't happened in specific relation to my period before, at least not that I ever correlated in the past and I've been incredibly happy and relaxed lately to boot.

Maybe that's it. Maybe my body is going through some sort of withdrawal from the whirlwind of this last week. It was absolutely filled with adrenaline and maybe now that my body is coming down off of it, I'm feeling this intense anxiety. This is, it seems, exacerbated by my like of sleep and impending period.

But even if I've now narrowed down the cause, how do I fix it?

There's always the possibility that going out tonight will give me enough of an adrenaline rush to mask what I'm feeling now (provided that this really is due to a withdrawal from that feeling). Even so, that quite possibly means that tomorrow I'll feel like this again, maybe worse. If it's not a withdrawal from adrenaline, at least maybe going out will distract me from all of the things running through my head.

Tonight's plans aside, what can I do during the day today? I can't spend the day feeling like this. I would also really like to go back to sleep. That would be much easier if my heart wasn't racing.

It's so random because I had fun last night! I went to the Arsenal Mall after work and bought a wig for tonight, then went and had dinner and a martini. I was waiting on the bus to go home and change into a costume to go see Love in Stockholm, but then Chris proceeded to miss his bus and we decided to go see Saw VI. After going to Boston Common and realizing that the next showing wasn't until 11pm, we checked the showings at other theaters and went to Fresh Pond. The movie was better than the last one and I had a good time. So WTF?

I guess this just means more deep breathing throughout the day, more cognitive awareness, and going out and having fun tonight. I've been looking forward to this party for weeks, so there's no way I'm going to let something this stupid ruin it.

I hope...

Ch-ch-ch-chip and Dale, Rescue Rangers!

Why has that song been stuck in my head since Friday? :-\ That'll teach me to look up old cartoon intro songs at the end of the workday.

So I was late to work today, but that was because I stayed up way too late and overslept. It was worth it though. Sometimes you just have to do certain things, and this was one of them.

I'm having a difficult time finding a brain jello mold for my potluck dish tomorrow and I'm starting to get anxious. Louisa had the idea of using a colander, but the one at our apartment is too small to be a brain. Spirit Halloween in Watertown is sold out of them and apparently iParty doesn't have them at all. Several Yelpers suggested Brookline News and Gifts in Coolidge Corner, but I'm sure it will be more expensive than I'm willing to pay. I guess if it comes down to it, I'll just have to get creative and try to figure out a way to make something with a flat bottom, round. At least long enough for the mold to take shape.

I'm also having a difficult time figuring out how to convince my mother to get a facebook. I'm definitely in the minority with wanting my mother to get a facebook, but she's my best friend and it makes things difficult that she can't see pictures I want to show her unless I email them all to her. I'm even willing to set up her account for her and all she'd have to do is sign in every once in a while, lol. We'll see how this argument works with her.

Okay, so I just made a decision. I'm going to stop by Star Market and just pick up a larger colander after work. I'll need one in the future anyway. First, I'll line it with aluminum foil so the brain doesn't seep through, then I'll use pipe cleaners wrapped in aluminum foil to make the wrinkles in the brain. Fingers crossed this works out. :-)

Yay, Halloween!

Open mouth, insert foot

Most people have a filter that protects them from saying things they shouldn't; this is a good thing. I do not have a filter; this is a bad thing.

Actually, I should clarify. This is not always a bad thing. Actually, this is often something on which I pride myself. Not having a filter for what I say, or at least not one so strict as those other people have, has in the past allowed me to really stay true to myself, albeit at the expense of a new friend at times. Still, there are times where the little filter I have ceases to function when it actually should. Whether that's because it's clogged with all the things I filtered the last time I spoke to a distant relative or just because something happened to make it fall out of place, I'm not sure. The one thing of which I am sure is that, in these instances, it's very bad.

What makes matters worse is that once I realize my minuscule filter isn't working properly, I try to backpedal and re-explain all of the nonsense I just let flow freely from my mouth. That never works. Trying to filter something that's already been said is worse than just saying it in the first place. Then, instead of owning what I said like I would under normal circumstances, I beat myself up. In these cases, no one wins.

Tonight was just such a case. I let one simple thing slip past my suddenly indiscriminate filter and there was no stopping the downward spiral.

Not everything needs the direction of a psychologist-in-training. This is a valuable lesson.

Lesson learned.

Talking it out with myself

The only bad thing about an amazing weekend is that Monday is incredibly boring. I have a few things that need to get done, but none of them are quite stimulating enough for me to undertake. It's very unfortunate. I'm sure that after the RA meeting at 11 I'll get something done, but this morning has been largely a waste.

Sure, I entered some data and made a couple of calls, but I need something to counter the exhaustion I'm feeling. Yes, I took a nap yesterday and made it in the bed pretty early last night, but after two nights in a row staying up past 4am, it's still not enough. It was totally worth it though. :) I had the best weekend I've had in a long time, by far.

As boring as today has been so far, and as much as I want things to pick up just a bit, I hope that I don't get suddenly busy toward the end of the day. I'm really banking on getting out of here by 5 on the dot so that I can take the Green line down to Park Street and take a few pictures in Boston Common. I'm not sure how the leaves there looking, but the ones in Watertown are amazing right now, so I'm hoping to find something comparable in Boston. That's mostly just because I can't make it to Watertown before dark (thanks MBTA), but I'll be able to make it to the Common to get in some good pics.

So enough rambling.

I'm conflicted.

Anyone who knows me well knows my anti-drug stance. Those who know me even better know that I've lost several relatives and friends to drugs, both figuratively and literally, so it makes a bit of sense in my particular case. The dilemma I'm facing now, however, is that as I get older I meet more and more people who do drugs. People that I find myself really enjoying being around, some who I adore, but who in the past I would have written off, even just for smoking pot.

The first indication that I was going to have a problem with all this was with Matt, a guy I met in college, who is absolutely amazing. Wonderful guy, hard worker, reminds me of back home. A pot smoker. At first it really bothered me, but as time went on I became less and less convinced that it was something that should interfere with our friendship. So I decided to ignore it. I wasn't about to take part in it, but I could overlook it when it wasn't going on around me.

That was all well and good until my friends started experimenting with harder drugs. This is where my indirect past with drugs started to really affect the way I looked at the situation. Could I just stand by, continuing to be friends with people who were doing drugs that I had watched destroy the lives of many of my loved ones?

While these particular friends experimented with something new every weekend, more and more of my friends started smoking pot. Then, as could have been predicted if I had really thought about it, Massachusetts decriminalized Marijuana. No no, that's not accurate, Massachusetts residents voted to decriminalize Marijuana. What was I up against? Granted, not quite the same as legalization, but a step beyond where we were before nonetheless.

As someone who was against pot particularly because it was illegal (again, those who know me know that I'm quite law-abiding, almost to a fault), I was met with a new dilemma. If it becomes legal, then what?

So I really started to consider what it is about pot that I currently find so disturbing. After lots of research and even a class geared directly at how drugs work and what they do, I'm left with one main concern: reaction time. So is it really just that I'm concerned about people smoking pot and driving? If so, then is it worse than alcohol? Sure, pot "kills brain cells" (thank you, anti drug campaigns), but so does alcohol. If someone is smoking pot in their own home, with no intention of driving anywhere, what's the problem with it?

Genuine behavior.

How sure can I be that someone is behaving genuinely around me? I'm the type of person where sincerity and genuine behavior/emotions are incredibly important to me. If I meet someone right after they've smoked pot, how do I know they'll feel the same way about me when they're not high? Or vice versa for that matter. Because drugs tend to affect everyone at least a little differently, how do I determine this for each unique person I'm around?

Another big factor is that no matter how cool I am with someone else smoking pot on their own time, I don't want to be around it. That makes things difficult if I'm close friends with someone who smokes pot. How often are they going to smoke it? Will it become this situation where they're constantly trying to get me to do it? And what happens if they do decide they want to experiment with other stuff? Where's the breaking point?

These types of questions have led me to decide that I'm going to try to judge it on a case by case basis. I don't want to be around someone who is always high. If they're high every once in a while, fine, but I just can't be around someone knowing that it's always in some level of an altered state.

The next step for me then is to determine how I feel about past drug use and the potential for future drug use. If I meet someone who occasionally smokes pot, and I've determined that I'm okay with that, how do I feel about knowing that they've done other drugs in the past and wouldn't be opposed to doing some of them again? It depends on the drug. That sounds like a cop out, but for me it depends on potential of addiction and health hazards. Drugs that are low on both of those are far more acceptable than something like opiates. Where it gets tricky is when someone can't give me a cut and dry answer about their future drug use. If the person already has mixed feelings about highly addictive, potentially hazardous, hard drugs, I don't think I'd be able to deal with it.

I guess what it boils down to is that if a person has a history of drug use, but it has been more than a year or two since they last did anything other than pot, and they can give me a definite answer that they have no intention of ever using cocaine, heroine, meth or any of the variations of these in the future, I can be okay with that. Even still, I'm conflicted because it's easy to say something if you know it's what the other person wants to hear, but I'm trying to be open. I'm trying not to discount any potential friendships or relationships because of past behaviors. Lord knows I've done things in the past I'm not particularly proud of.

I guess I can be okay with pot, and maybe a select few other things, provided that it's occasional, doesn't impact my interactions with that person, and I'm not being pushed into doing it.

This is important!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4jkoVN8xo4

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

New Developments

Well, I've changed my mind, at least for the time being.

Instead of getting a new apartment and having to pay first, last and security, I'm going to just stay where I am for now. Mostly because I'd likely have to move again in August regardless and that would be yet ANOTHER first, last and security. Instead, I'm going to try to save enough money to fly home for Thanksgiving and surprise my family. I'm not sure if I'll end up with enough money saved by that point, but fingers crossed I will. :)

Even if I don't, I can always use the extra money to pay on my bills and pay off some of my debt. I'd really like to totally pay off my American Express card and just get rid of it, but that's going to take a while.

My loans from Harvard also kick in on January 1, which is going to be just fantastic. Despite being at Harvard on financial aid, I ended up taking out loans to cover getting my new apartment and getting things settled for graduation. Unfortunately, that just adds another bill every month. It's fine though, I knew it was coming so I'll be able to plan for it. It just means going out a lot less, but that is probably a good thing in itself in the long run.

I decorated my office for Halloween this morning. It looks so great. I like having decorations in a small room because it makes the room look even more festive. I'm debating what to dress for at work this year. I already have my costume for Halloween night, but I put all of my other costumes out on my bed last night and am debating between my Mother Nature costume from freshman year and my red and black countess/ish dress from junior year. The problem I foresee with the red and black dress is that it has a hoop skirt and I don't want to bend it out of shape sitting all day. I'll most likely do the Mother Nature garb, but we'll see.

My Halloween festivities are kind of diverse anyway. Wednesday, the 28th, I'm going to Ladies' Night at Uno's in Harvard Square (to which I'm wearing my Dorothy costume), then work on the 30th and a local concert later that night. Then, on Halloween proper, I'm going to a party in Cambridge. To make things even more interesting, I'm on breakfast duty for the weekly RA breakfast, for which I'm bringing the ingredients to make pumpkin pancakes on Sara's electric griddle. That said, I'll need something that's fairly easy to walk in. Yep, seems like Mother nature is the winner, unless there are new developments before then.

Well, I should get back to work. Lunch break is now officially over.

Back on the Wagon

Well, so to speak.

It came to my attention that I haven't actually updated my blog since I had my appendectomy in February. Oops.

So a lot has happened since February. That tends to happen over the course of 8 months, so it shouldn't be too shocking.

The biggest development, of course, is my graduation from Harvard. Commencement was on June 4, my parents left for NC on June 6, and I started my new job on June 8. I didn't really give myself much of a break and I'm paying for it now. That has been my big problem historically as well, I rush into things without giving myself time to really weigh all of the options.

Which brings me to my next point. My apartment is miserable. Yes, the rent is amazing, but the location is abysmal. Today I left my apartment at 7:35 and got to work at 9:15--late. At which point one of my colleagues sympathetically offered to tell me that she didn't even wake up until after 8. Wow. Add to that I hate one of my roommates, who likes to treat the rest of us like children. I'm working on finding a new place now, but I'll also have to find someone to take over my lease, unless of course I want to pay a fee for breaking mine. The main things I'm looking for in the apartment are a good location (on the 39, 66, or Green Line) for my commute, laundry on site or very nearby, sharing a kitchen with only one other person, living with someone who is under 28, less than $650/mo. and (this is negotiable) that cats are allowed. I have other, smaller preferences, but those are the biggest for right now. My current apartment is only $500/mo., but I just can't take living there much longer. I'd much prefer to be out ASAP.

Now back to my job. I'm currently working as a Research Assistant in a child clinical psychology lab at the Judge Baker Children's Center. Sometimes it's a bit stressful and I work far more hours than I would like, but overall I love the job. I'm really enjoying the opportunity to work in research and to be doing so in such a way that I get clinical experience. I've learned a lot in the four months that I have been here and I'm sure I'll continue to learn during my full time here. I'll be working here for the next two years and then applying to grad schools. That said, I need to schedule the GRE very soon. I keep putting it off, but I really can't do that anymore.

I've also been frequenting Uno's a lot lately. I had stopped going for a long time and then in June started going again. Whereas Travis used to be the only real bartender I knew by name, the whole bar tending staff is amazing now. I have, perhaps sadly, become a regular. :-) It has paid off though; I've met a lot of great people that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I may actually be working with one of the servers from Uno's soon actually, as she graduated with me from Harvard with a psych degree (though I never met her before Uno's) and she's looking for a job at JBCC. She is supposed to have an interview either later this week or early next week, so I have my fingers crossed for her.

I'll also be going to the Halloween party of a few of the Uno's staff this year. I'm really excited about it and am really struggling with a costume choice. Only a few weeks left!

Another thing that has happened only since my appendectomy is my weight loss journey. It's sort of at a stand still right now, but between February and May I lost 20 pounds. I haven't gained any back, but I haven't lost any more, so I'm kicking things up a notch. Granted, it would probably help if I didn't go to Uno's for a beer during the week or have Bloody Marys and nachos during football on Sunday, but I'm working on it. :-) I'm hoping to lose 20 more pounds by Christmas, but that may be a bit unreasonable. I want to set my goals high though so that even if I don't quite reach them I will still be going pretty far.

That's all for my general "I'm back" post. Hopefully now that I'm at a desk all day I can remember to update regularly, which will help avoid posts like this, which are a bit long and all over the place. Next time, I'll try to stick to one thought.

Maybe. :-)