Knitting away the drama

Today I started learning how to knit and, let me tell you, it couldn't have come at a better time. I've spent the last few days wondering about several things, scratch that, worrying about several things. I've been at my wit's end for the last week about a lot of it and it finally came to a head yesterday and today.

I made a decision yesterday that was going to be quite the test of will, but the willpower was taken out of my hands with the decision of another individual involved. So I sit here, wondering whether to breathe a sigh of relief or be utterly insulted. I guess I feel a bit of both.

For the last few days, I knew what I was doing was going to result in pushing the other person away, and that was part of the allure. That's what I do; I push people away. So while part of me wanted desperately to stop doing what I was doing, I was always able to justify it. A combination of being upset over past events and being lost and confused about current events left me wanting to just be rid of the entire situation. It's just that now that it's not in my control, I feel hurt. I knew what the outcome would be, more or less, but it hurts more in reality than it did hypothetically.

I will say that I really appreciate getting a straightforward explanation for once. That's what I've been pushing for, some sort of communication, even if it's negative communication. I know that it's wrong that I see this as sort of a success because I effectively succeeded in pushing his buttons until he talked, but it does feel that way. At the same time, I know I screwed myself over big time and may have lost an opportunity for a good friend.

Here's where that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure that this person and I could have ever been friends. While there are things about him that I really like and appreciate, no one makes me feel like less of a person than he does. To him I'm not a human being, I'm a thing to be toyed with, I always have been, and you don't treat your friends like things, you treat them like people. The email I received just a few minutes ago is the first time he's treated me like a person since my freshman year, but even that had undertones of condescension and pretension.

So that's why I'm glad I can knit, otherwise I would be sitting here wringing my hands. Focusing on knitting gives both my mind and my hands a release that I need right now, as does writing, so here I am. As much as I've moved backward in my friendship with this person, I've moved forward as a person of my own, and no amount of condescension is going to change that.