In the heat of the moment

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment from time to time, but it's important to note that just because it was in the heat of the moment does not excuse it.

It's human nature that when someone says something that angers or demeans you that you turn around and say something equally hateful and demeaning to feel vindicated. Many times, what we say is actually even more demeaning and hateful than what was said to us, and usually we're lashing out at someone we know fairly well, someone whose secrets and vulnerabilities we know. In this scenario it becomes all too easy to really hurt someone in the heat of the moment.

"I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment" is not a valid excuse, no matter how true the explanation may be. Even if both members of the argument were responsible for the level to which the argument escalated, or even if you think the other person is the one who caused the argument to escalate (trust me, both people are usually responsible), what you do is still on you. Sometimes we learn these things the hard way and we may end up losing someone very near and dear to us.

While it's true that the people who love you will forgive you for many of your shortcomings and mistakes, there are some things that can't be taken back; some things cut deeper than others and take a long time to heal. What we say in the heat of the moment is often what we know will cut the deepest and we generally regret saying it as soon as it comes out of our mouths, but then it's too late.

Hurting someone who hurt you might seem like a good idea at the time, but if you stop to think about why it hurt so much, you may realize it is because you care so deeply for the person and what they said really struck a chord with you. Do you really want to hurt these people? Do you really want to push them away with what you say?

Holding back and not retaliating is often easier said than done, but it's worth it in the end. Just remember that what the other person said may not be what they actually feel and may be a mistake of their own. That does not warrant retaliation, but understanding. The people most capable of hurting you are the ones who love you the most and you never know what they may be struggling with in their own lives and thoughts.

If you do end up saying something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean and that hurts someone deeply, nothing you can say is going to make the pain go away immediately. No matter how sorry you are, the person you hurt has every right to be upset, and he or she will be for a while. Apologize sincerely.

Often times people make apologies because they feel obligated, but these apologies aren't sincere and it's just as evident to the person on the receiving end as it is to you. If you expect to be forgiven, you have to be sincere in your apologies. This may seem like common sense, but you would be surprised at how many people, probably including you and I know including me, who back up an apology with an excuse. It is very important that you remember: a sincere apology does not make excuses because it is a concession that what you did or said was wrong and hurtful and that you would like to make up for it.

Making excuses shows that you aren't sorry for what you did, you're just sorry that what you did upset the other person. Apologize for what you actually did and people will find it much easier to accept your apology and move on from the situation.

Not everyone wants to hear an apology right away. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give someone space and time to cool down before you start apologizing. This will ensure that the other person does not blow up at you mid-apology, causing you to retract your apology and do something even more hurtful than you did in the first place. Once everyone has cooled down and realizes how much they regret the entire situation, the apologies and forgiveness will both come more easily.

As I said, some of us--most of us--learn the hard way, and we may not even learn after the first several times. The important thing is that we learn before it is too late.

Love always.